Monday, April 16, 2007

Mrs. Cleaver

My mom was here visiting last week, which was really nice. However, when she leaves Hunter is always a little fussy for a day or two, he doesn't understand why I can't carry him around 24/7, or why he should have to nap in his crib things like that, but to make it worse this time he caught a cold at the same time she left. I'm talking the entire thing runny nose achy body, so he's having a hard time sleeping at night and is generally fussing if not screaming the entire day.

Friday night was horrible he was up every half hour, then Saturday he screamed all day long, finally I went and found some infant cold medicine so he slept better. Sunday I have to stay home with him because of course it's Brian's job to be at church (lucky bastard) he's late coming home from both Sunday morning service and youth group. I tell ya, I was so tired I haven't slept so hard in months (beside of course the couple times I had to get up with the boy in the night). When Brian came in to wake me up so he could get ready for work I wanted to punch him in the face. As soon as he hands the baby off Hunter starts crying; ahhhhh!! (that's my frustrations not the baby his would be followed by several more explanation marks.)

He's sleeping right now, and I feel so frustrated and angry not with my son or husband but with myself. I mean in my mind I've always wanted to be the mother and wife from It's a Wonderful Wife. Supportive no matter what, kind, gentle but firm, resourceful, beautiful and thin even after like four or five children. And here my child is sick can't tell me what's wrong and I just feel like crawling back under the covers with my fingers stuffed in my ears. I feel so sad for my son, and worried too, but mostly my head is pounding from the screaming and I can't think straight through all the noise. How horrible is that? I wake up with this feeling of dread because I don't know how much more I can take. I want to scoop Hunter up in my arms snuggle with him and tell him it's going to be all right but he just pushes me away and looks at me with that pathetic face before he launches into his next crying fit.

I can tell you one thing though, I'd like to slap the person that said "Breast fed babies don't get sick" (to be read with a sickening sweet voice). Mine does and maybe it would be worse if he wasn't but good lord you shouldn't lure people into this idea that a sick unhappy screaming baby and a whiny dog weren't going to part of being a mother. And that is part of it isn't it, being a mother I just wish I could handle it with more grace. It tears me up inside knowing that he doesn't feel good, and in my head I know it won't last forever but one hour of screaming feels like an entire normal day. He's such a sweet beautiful baby I just feel like he deserves so much more then I've been able to offer him.