Thursday, November 8, 2007

So here is my funny bunnies taking a walk toward me. I know that these have been short entries but I wanted everyone to see how amazing he is. Love ya all.

Monday, November 5, 2007



Well what a rush this autumn has been, warm and busy. I can hardly believe that I haven't blogged since sep. I mean I haven't even told you how awesome Hunter's first birthday cake turned out to be. That was fun, it seriously took me like five hours to decorate his cake and three bags of powdered sugar to make all the frosting it was crazy!! It went really well though the party was very nice and it was so good to see my family.

Then we had Halloween Hunter went as the cutest dinosaur ever known to man.

And finally Hunter is now walking!! He took a few steps for his dad and then nothing for like three weeks. Then all of a sudden he started taking really stumbly steps toward me and then today he's walking everywhere all by him self it's crazy.

It's finally getting colder here and Brian is annoyed because I'm listening to Christmas music and itching to get the decorations out.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Today is September 28th Hunter's First birthday!!!!!! It's hard to believe and yet here we are. It was a really nice day, perfect weather, perfect family, perfect perfect.

Brian took the day off and after Hunter's morning nap we went to the zoo. The Binder park zoo is really nice, and clean but not huge it was just the right size to see everything and come home in time for Hunter's afternoon nap. We weren't sure what to expect but his reaction was still unexpected. He took the entire thing very seriously we went on the carousel and even when he was dancing and flapping his arms his face was all business.

It's funny the two things he loved the most were the big flags that flapped in the breeze and a statue of a do do bird. He did like the animals when could get his eye on them and would wave his heart out. He loved riding on his daddy's shoulders.

Then we came home he had his nap and I baked him a chocolate cookie, his first home baked cookie which of course he loved. It was a good day (except when Ranger stole over half of the cookies I baked.)

Enjoy the pics and video!

Monday, September 24, 2007

Hunter has finally cut two more teeth, and he's back to his happy go lucky self. Ugg, why does it take so long for those teeth to come in? He'll be one year old Friday, can you believe it?

We played a really fun game today. We were both sitting on my bed and I had my legs spread out to make a sort of barrier so that Hunter wouldn't crawl off the side. He was in a tickly mood and was really giggly. So I would stand him up on his feet then let go of him to see how well he could balance. It wasn't long and then he would topple over and start laughing hysterically. It was great! It's moments like those when you think "my life could never be more perfect".

Here's the last of the pre-one year old videos, I hope you enjoy it as much as he enjoys swimming. Back when we had to hold him up and make sure he didn't tip over into the water, now he gets on his stomach and slides all over the pool kicking like a frog. He even sticks his face into the water with no reservations, he's a bit too fearless.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Here is Hunter doing what was his favorite pass time for a while, reading the paper.

Friday, September 7, 2007


Here he's just a little older but still so much quieter then he is now. I may have mentioned this in a much earlier blog but if you have a new born a baby swing is an absolute must, they seem expensive but please splurge if you have to I actually had a little quiet time and could eat with my husband it was amazing.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Our hospital stay

Our second video from the hospital and again there is more inappropriate commentary from my husband, apparently I was too tired to realize what he was saying when he was doing it.

Early Hunter

Hey I thought that leading up to Hunter's birthday I would post some video so that my mom can watch and cry. Sorry about the somewhat inappropriate commentary from my husband.


A little bit of magic

Hunter has discovered the mirror that is one of the shower doors. The bath tub is the perfect height for him to pull up and then he can look in the mirror. Yesterday I was in the bathroom reading a magazine because Hunter was having a great time sliding the doors back and forth and I was having a great time actually reading a magazine. I happened to look over just in time for him to look up and see his reflection, he smiled at it like he was meeting a long lost friend. It's this really cute wrinkle nose smile that he gives his dad when he gets home from work. So any way I thought that was so funny, the way he touches the reflection and looks from it to me like "mom have you seen this kid he is so good looking?"

Then that evening I was in my bedroom across the hall taking care of my clothes when I heard him babbling and talking to himself like crazy. He would croon and babble and then giggle like "that is so clever" I went to see what he was doing and there he was standing in the bathroom just having the best conversation with himself!

That made me think about how my reflection used to seem almost magical when I was kid. It was like my own secret friend, or a part of my self that lived in a different world and only the two of us could meet. She was always just like me but a bit more brave and tragic. While I always felt like a little kid she had a destiny to fulfill something that the human race depended on. I had to battle little sisters but she had to battle dragons and evil Lords and all sorts or mystical creatures. There were all these secret portals that brought us together; mirrors, car windows on long trips, lakes, and puddles. And even though her world was so much more exciting she couldn't conquer unless I was able to give her strength and advice from here in my own world, and that at least made me important. It's sad really that as we age we can't seem to find the magic any more, but it is exciting and beautiful watching it take flight in my son.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

How stubborn can a baby be?

It is amazing to me how stubborn a little baby can be? I think we must have pulled him off the television a million times, we even slapped his "patties" and then he would yell at us and right back to it he would go, amazing. And why does he love the things he shouldn't have. For instance in the kitchen I have moved all dangerous and breakable things off of the lower shelves and replaced them with cook books that he can pull down and look at (wet his appetite to be a connesure of fine foods) tupperware, spatulas and plastic cups all things that he can play with and bang on and roll around. And he likes them all right but they don't hold a candle to the amazement that is the dog's bowl of food and water. What wonders those containers hold how incredible it is to splash in the drooly yucky water and is there a food that tastes better then those round dry dog bites of glory? I would contest that there isn't at least not to an almost one year old. I've taken to keeping the baby gate cornered over the dogs food (which annoys the dog when hours later I've forgotten to remove it).

Even outside where there are new and dirty things every where the first thing he crawls to is the dog's outside dish of water, the one with floating dead bugs in it. Don't get me wrong he loves sticking leaves in his mouth and can always find the path with the least amount of grass and the most dirt, but he's always making his way to the water dish. And yet when I put him in his sand box, he just looks at me like I'm crazy, "Hey mom why am I sitting in a box of dirt?". He does like to swing though, we have this outside baby swing rigged up to the clothes line (at least we're using the clothes line for something) and I'll push him and make up rhyms and tickle his feet while I also throw the slimy frisbee to the dog. It really is multi tasking at it's best.

It's fun though, He's so cute even when he's naughty I sometimes have a hard time not laughing at him.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Ranger, Hunter, and I

Sorry it's been so long, it's like I don't have time to even take a breath!! Summer's are always busy for Brian and I and now they're even crazier.

A lot of things have been happening. Hunter is pulling himself up on things and taking very tottery steps around things. It's a little scary because he is always doing face dives into the floor. I hate it, but I know he has to practice to learn and go further he is getting better at it, he can get back down on the floor if he's careful and I've been trying to teach him to sit on his butt, not crash into his face. Every time he falls even if it's not bad he cries because it scares him and my first reaction is to gasp, which I'm sure doesn't help at all. So now it takes all my power to say "oopsie" and clap not jump up all frantic.

He's also discovered the wonders of screaming, not crying just all out screeches and man are they loud. He does it when he's excited and he does it when he's frustrated (which when you consider his lack of communication and all the things he's trying to do but can't is practically every other second) and of course when he's mad at me because I won't let him do something or grab something etc. Brian put it best when he said "I know we have to teach him no, but it so much easier just to give him what he wants" you may think that sounds weak but it's true and at the time we were both gulping pain killers because our heads were throbbing and I was seriously looking for some ear plugs. He has four teeth now (Hunter not Brian), two of which are just coming in. As you can see things are changing.

Most of the day it's me Hunter and the dog, one of them is usually whining at me, until I can't stand it any more and the dog has to go out (poor thing life is certainly not fair for him). But today something really funny happened. You have to know something about Ranger for this story to be amusing and that is he's a whiner but he's never really howled before. We were all sitting on the kitchen floor, Hunter crawling over my legs like they're giant cliffs to be scaled (they are chubby but come on) and I had a plastic ice cream cup and was talking and singing into it, because Hunter thinks it funny and will make his own noises when I hold it to his face. Ranger was sitting beside me begging to go outside when I started copying his whines into the cup (which drove him crazy) I kept doing it until I suddenly realized that Ranger has switched from whining at me to actually howling. He had his head thrown back and his lips in an o, it was so funny and cute, and Hunter was just starring at him like he'd lost his mind.

I think Ranger was feeling so left out that my making fun on him sent him over the edge and he began crying out into the wilderness of our subdivision for compassion.

Saturday, June 2, 2007

I Am Not Pregnant!

In my pre-pregnancy life my body was very very regular. I mean I started my period the day I turned twelve and never missed a month, never came a day late or a day early so you can see how if I missed one completely I would know somethings up. About a month and a half ago I became fertile again. Well at that time I was still nursing, but soon after Hunter weened himself so now I can go back on the pill. When you start birth control you're suppose to take it the sunday after you start your period. So we go on vacation I can't start the pill yet and well we never did find a form of birth control that worked for us and you can't be completely relaxed on vacation with out a little lovin.

So now it's been well past a month since my last period and I'm thinking "holy crap I can't believe I'm pregnant!!" how ironic, unfair, scary. I was in shock and just freaking out there were so many reasons why this was bad but then I made myself sit down and think of some things that could be good about it. I would get all the baby stuff over at once, I mean it would be nice to get everything done with at once the night feedings the diapers the clutter, it would be nice to be able to purge everything at once, to know that they're ready for new things and trips and experiences at once. Heck we're already tired lets just keep it going for another year or so. There would be no waiting for the younger one to be "old enough". I've already started changing into a healthier life style so I would get done with the pregnancy already programed to loose the weight. I wouldn't have that "I lost all this weight and now I want another baby" dilemma.

And of course it would solve Brian and I's problem of never wanting to make a big decision. "Should we have another baby or not?" there you go decision made. Brian could get a vasectomy and we never have to worry about birth control again.

So I buy a test nervously take it, and wait. The last time I took a test (for Hunter) it came back in an instant. So imagine my surprise when nothing happens. I think weird I'm 99.9% sure I'm pregnant but we'll see it come up in three minutes. And nothing just a big negative sign.

It took me by such surprise and I've been living the last week "knowing" I was pregnant that my first response was disappointment. Then utter relief and peace washed over me. To celebrate we had brownie sundaes for dinner.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007


Hey I know I promised more on Disney world with pictures and everything, but I've been gardening and haven't gotten the pictures developed yet. I promise they're on the way.

So I've been trying to get healthier I figured instead of complaining and worrying about my weight I should get off my fat duff and do something about it (both figuratively and literally). I'd already started walking and when I was in Florida my dad and I ran two miles (well slowly jogged would be a better term). I couldn't believe it, I mean it was so encouraging I thought for sure that was well beyond me. So now I get up four to five times a week, when Brian is still home and it's cool outside and go for a jog. I'm still walking with Beki, and I started gardening (which burn about as many calories as a brisk walk so get outside and pull some weeds).

I've always loved exercising and getting that back into my life is easier then going super strict with the food, because as I've gushed so many times before I do love my food. I'm watching that too though; at lean cuisines website you can set up an account and enter your food and exercise and they keep track of carbs cals fat, etc. and how many calories you burned (which is always fun to see). This has helped me stay on top of what I'm eating, and since it's like a game I have an easier time being good through out the day. They also told me how many calories I should take in a day to loose weight in a healthy manner. It seems like now I can eat more it's just healthier food, what a load off my mind not to be freaking out every time I open the fridge. Also it requires no counting on my part they do all the math.

A friend also turned me onto this web-site called It's a really neat website with info and cool recipes that mimic things you crave (like pie and restaurant food) It's also fun looking. It gave me an idea for a low fat/carb cookies and cream pie (which was very yummy by the way).

I totally sound like a commercial: "since I joined blog diet I've lost half a pound and can tie my own shoes, I couldn't be happier!!" There is one thing that really buggs me about diet experts (well probably way more then one, but I'm trying to be a positive person so one it is). They always say to eat salad but to leave off the dressing!! Yuck!!! Who eats salad with no dressing? The dressing is the only thing that makes the salad worth eating at all. If you leave off the dressing you may as well take a bag of crutons into the back yard pour them on the ground and start grazing!!! Not to mention the fact that they've actually done studies and the fat in dressing helps your body absorb the nutrients from the lettuce (that is not a lie I read it in that "what to expect when your expecting" book). Well that is my rant for today, if you like to eat your salad with no dressing please leave me a comment I would love to hear from you and if your like me pour on the "nature valley", and
"Newmans own" and enjoy a cool summer lunch.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

It's been too long

I'm sorry it's been so long, way way too long. In my defense we were getting ready for a vacation which included sewing some clothes, and of course who wants to come home to a dirty house so I had to clean (which seems ridiculous since when we came home it was like instant mess.

So in the time we've been away Hunter has changed so much! I can't believe it, I mean I feel like I can't even blink. He's gone from barely rolling over to rolling all over the room from lifting his head up to skooching. I put him on the floor in the kitchen and barely a minute later I looked down and he was laying next to my foot smiling at me. It was so cute.

And did I tell you he weened himself? It's funny because a few months ago I was like I've had it, I'm done with this. And then we cut back to only nursing twice a day so it wasn't such a big deal. Then one day he pushed me away, I tried again and he pushed me away again. I was so surprised that I cried, I think I said through tears "I thought I was ready but I guess I wasn't" It makes me smile now and I know with all the stuff we have going on it will be so much easier.

On vacation Hunter started saying "na na na na" which brings his vocab up to da, na, hey, hi, and ok. But I was a little miffed that he said nanny before "ma" I mean I'm the one that does all the hard work. It was worth it to see my mom's face light up, and he's smart I mean I don't know that he gets the concept that Na is my mom but he knows that if he calls it out when he's upset she'll come get him.

So any way yesterday he started saying "ma" I was so excited. I didn't know I could get excited about anything like that. We squealed and clapped and then danced to the YMCA.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Mrs. Cleaver

My mom was here visiting last week, which was really nice. However, when she leaves Hunter is always a little fussy for a day or two, he doesn't understand why I can't carry him around 24/7, or why he should have to nap in his crib things like that, but to make it worse this time he caught a cold at the same time she left. I'm talking the entire thing runny nose achy body, so he's having a hard time sleeping at night and is generally fussing if not screaming the entire day.

Friday night was horrible he was up every half hour, then Saturday he screamed all day long, finally I went and found some infant cold medicine so he slept better. Sunday I have to stay home with him because of course it's Brian's job to be at church (lucky bastard) he's late coming home from both Sunday morning service and youth group. I tell ya, I was so tired I haven't slept so hard in months (beside of course the couple times I had to get up with the boy in the night). When Brian came in to wake me up so he could get ready for work I wanted to punch him in the face. As soon as he hands the baby off Hunter starts crying; ahhhhh!! (that's my frustrations not the baby his would be followed by several more explanation marks.)

He's sleeping right now, and I feel so frustrated and angry not with my son or husband but with myself. I mean in my mind I've always wanted to be the mother and wife from It's a Wonderful Wife. Supportive no matter what, kind, gentle but firm, resourceful, beautiful and thin even after like four or five children. And here my child is sick can't tell me what's wrong and I just feel like crawling back under the covers with my fingers stuffed in my ears. I feel so sad for my son, and worried too, but mostly my head is pounding from the screaming and I can't think straight through all the noise. How horrible is that? I wake up with this feeling of dread because I don't know how much more I can take. I want to scoop Hunter up in my arms snuggle with him and tell him it's going to be all right but he just pushes me away and looks at me with that pathetic face before he launches into his next crying fit.

I can tell you one thing though, I'd like to slap the person that said "Breast fed babies don't get sick" (to be read with a sickening sweet voice). Mine does and maybe it would be worse if he wasn't but good lord you shouldn't lure people into this idea that a sick unhappy screaming baby and a whiny dog weren't going to part of being a mother. And that is part of it isn't it, being a mother I just wish I could handle it with more grace. It tears me up inside knowing that he doesn't feel good, and in my head I know it won't last forever but one hour of screaming feels like an entire normal day. He's such a sweet beautiful baby I just feel like he deserves so much more then I've been able to offer him.

Monday, March 26, 2007

My Husband

My poor husband, last night I came down with the flu which means that not only was he awoken four times through out the night but that today he was in charge of the baby, and me. He is such a good man, when I watch him with our son I just can't believe how lucky I am.

About a month ago in church Brian was in charge of prayer time and he asked the congregation to shout out something that they were thankful for (which didn't go as well as planned), and as loud as he could as if he was holding Hunter up for the world to see he yelled "My Son!" he looked so proud full of pure joy. I hope I remember that all of my life the way he beamed. At that moment I knew that I couldn't be richer if I had all of the money in the world.

That will probably be one of those moments. It seems like I've been having those lately, yesterday was so warm and I don't mean spring-is-finally-here-warm I mean middle of summer warm. In the evening we took Hunter out into the back yard and he and I lay on a blanket staring up at the blue sky (which I swear is not near as blue as my son's eyes) babbling to each other Brian and the dog playing catch. It's weird realizing that that was my son's first real moments outside, not all covered up being whisked from home to car. All the other places Brian and I have lived have seemed like a stop along the way, but yesterday the four of us in our back yard, it just felt like home, and like our entire lives are in front of us. Perfect; a perfect moment. And then today just a little while ago I was doing the supper dishes in my tiny little kitchen with all the windows open the evening sun drifting into the room. My baby cooing at my husband in the other room. When one of those just-before-the-storm breezes blew threw my perfect little window, and then it started raining huge summer drops of water. I took in that wonderful rain-on-hot-pavement smell, and man life is good!

I wondered right there if this was one of those times that I'll always remember, how many of these will I remember? I suppose that's why you write things down and why you thank God no matter what, because his blessings are good even when they're not constant.

Friday, March 2, 2007

I've Been Day Dreaming


It's March and it's snowing again, sigh! However, there were a couple of days this week when it was warm enough to get outside. While I was walking the dog I went past a really cute house a couple of blocks away that's for sale. It just got me day dreaming about my sister Courtney moving back to Michigan. I really do want what's best for her and her husband and if they move to Maryland I'll be happy for them. But I can't help but dream about her living within walking distance. I picture myself pushing Hunter in the jogging stroller over with some fresh baked cookies for uncle Justin, or Hunter riding his tricycle me and scout coming up behind with beach towels and sunscreen to go swimming in the pool. Cool summer evening walks with my sister so we can talk and laugh. Dinners and parties, I just can't help but think about how nice it would be for Hunter to grow up with cousins close and an Aunt and Uncle to spend the night with.

Hunter's doing better and better with the spoon feeding. I read up on it online and found out I'm bending the rules a little by adding apple sauce but oh well. Brian is gone for the weekend which always leaves me feeling weird, like I'm a little lost with out him. My friend Megan is coming to stay with me so I won't be alone which is super comforting especially if something were to happen, but it's not the same as my husband. I used to almost look forward to being home alone every once in a while. I could do what I wanted, eat when and what I wanted do super cleaning and organizing, but now with a baby it's different. Any way what I was going to say was that since Brian won't be getting up with him for the next couple of days I think this would be a perfect time for Hunter to finally sleep through the night, or at least longer then he has been.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

The Boy Who Loves Me

Well I know it's been a while but the computer always seems to be with Brian when I have the spare moments and home when I'm busy. I'm not sure what I've talked about recently if I repeat myself excuse me.

Hunter does this thing now that is just so darn endearing that I sometimes lay in bed at night and smile just thinking about it. When any one is holding him and I walk by he leans out of there arms and towards me. If I don't take him right away he'll give this really cute smile like "mom I'm over here come on pick me up I like you more then any one else" and if I keep ignoring him then he'll do this very pathetic pouty lip fake cry that just melts my heart. Brian's a good sport and just laughs, he thinks it's funny and I know that there will soon come a day when Hunter will think of Brian as the coolest person in the world and I'll just be the mom who he sees all the time. So I'm enjoying this adoration while it's there.

Hunter has gone from an hour of pre-nap crying to forty five minutes to thirty to ten to now he doesn't cry at all. I change his diaper read him a story and then put him down. Sometimes he'll talk to himself for a while but he falls right to sleep and doesn't fight me. I know it's silly but I know that this is the one thing that I taught him or trained him to do my self. And if I can do this then I feel like I'll be able to handle all the parenting things that come along (at least pre-teen). I mean it's stupid that something as simple as nap time can make me feel like I am a mom and I'm not such a disaster, like "this is my boy I am his mother, no one else is, and no one can take it from me."

Because of this new found confidence I decided to start training him to eat cereal with a spoon. I just can't keep up with the feedings, every hour and a half now. He doesn't love the taste so I've been mixing it with a little no sugar added applesauce. The first couple of times were so messy!! I had cereal all over my robe, hair and face (he's just discovered lips and faces and is always patting my cheeks; isn't that the most adorable thing you've ever heard) he had it on his eye lids, clothes, hands, up his nose, it was crazy. And of course when I would put him in his high chair he acted like it was made out of pins or hot coals so I had to hold him and try my best to feed him with one hand. He's gotten better with the chair and we're both getting better at it so things are a little less messy. The first time I'm not sure if any of it got into his stomach at all, I'm pretty confident that some of it is getting into his gullet now. My biggest question is how much should I feed him, he's pretty good at letting me know when he's full but sometimes we finish and he hasn't told me he's done yet. I guess I should make more and see what happens. Also how many times a day do you do it? I've been feeding him twice a day, I mean I don't want to over load his system. Any suggestions?

Well, we're still waiting for that sleep through the night thing to happen but I do feel like I've gotten a lot of my energy back so that's good.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

I'm a Proud Mama

My entry today will probably be short I don't have a lot on my mind I'm still getting back to normal from our wonderful trip.

I want to announce that Hunter rolled from his back to stomach and then back again, and again. He's been getting close and then all of a sudden today bam while we were watching the Walton's (don't ask, he likes it and it's sort of a sweet show)he flopped over onto his stomach and then practically lifted himself up (like he was soaring) to look around. He's so cute when he lifts up his head to look around. So I called his dad at work, and when he rushed home at lunch Hunter refused to show him. He seemed quite happy to lay on his back and coo, then when his dad left, I am not joking, he rolled over not even five minutes later.

It's exciting how much of an independent person he is already. I mean it almost seems like he's going to open his mouth and tell me an important story. I just can't believe how much of a personality he has.

I've also been trying to get him used to going down for a nap. He goes to bed really well at night but naps are torture (a peek at what may be a stubborn streak in his personality)? So I've been doing the bed training we did at night for nap time but oh my you'd think I was killing him. He'll be sleeping in my arms barely conscious and as soon as I put him in his crib "aaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!" So I'll wait five minutes (glued to my watch) then go in try not to make eye contact and give him back his pacifier, leave wait five more minutes until he finally (in what is literally one second) falls asleep. He'll actually pull his pacifier out of his mouth to keep himself awake. One of the times I went in there he had the most pathetic look on his face with his fist stuffed in his mouth and big old tears, it broke my heart but I knew he was tired the way my mom always knows when I'm tired. We've gone from an hour fight to fall asleep to thirty minutes to now we're at about fifteen.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

The Conference


So we just spent the last four days at a youth ministers conference in Indianapolis with Hunter and it went really well. We weren't sure how it would go and were very nervous especially considering that we had to sign up to go when Hunter was only a couple of months old and we weren't sure how he would be.

I told Brian that if I went I would have to be flexible and get what I could get out of the sessions and classes and be ok if I had to leave to feed Hunter or settle him down etc. And I was; I really enjoyed myself it was nice to be somewhere with my family away from it all. Also the classes were great it was nice to have intelligent conversation with other grown ups.

Another thing that was nice was since it was a youth minister's conference there were lots of wives and lots of babies there so I didn't feel funny. During one of the evening sessions I found myself sitting in the lounge with several other women all of us feeding or bouncing our babies while our husbands got to enjoy the speaker in peace. It was cool to talk to other moms in almost the exact situation that I'm in. The worst thing was feeding Hunter, though. Most days I was able to find a quiet out of the way place to feed him, but one day there were cheerleaders and their crazy moms every where. I was forced to feed him with people all over, I did it as tastefully as I could trying my best to keep everything covered, not that Hunter was very helpful. He enjoyed pulling the blanket off moving his head and popping off my boob to look around and screaming intermittently to make sure people were looking. I suppose that I should be fine feeding him any where now.

It's nice to be home now though, Hunter didn't sleep super well at the Hotel it's like he knew it wasn't his room or bed, but I really did enjoy being with my two boys and it just being us. Next year, however, I think we'll leave Hunter with his nanny and maybe put that jacuzzi tub we accidentally got in our room to better use.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

A Few Tips I've Picked Up


Not to say that I don't have my hard days and that there aren't things that I struggle with but I four months later I do have some tips for other new moms. Don't be surprised when you feel down or depressed your probably not feeling like yourself yet (I still don't) and you certainly don't look like yourself. That cute hard baby belly you had has been replaced by a lot of flab, loose skin, and stretch marks but I promise the baby is worth it and you have the rest of your life to get back in shape (although I've been told that the stretch marks remain a part of the landscape). Your probably not getting dressed, wearing a bra, or even taking showers. Your tired, happy and sad all at once, you've forgotten that there is a world outside your doors that is still going on and it can be weird trying to integrate yourself into a normal life. In fact I still don't feel I have a normal life so maybe that's something you should get used to.

Here are a few tips that may help you out. Open your curtains. This sounds silly but it made a huge difference to me to let the day light in. It was like oh yea there is an outside I'm not on a lone space ship floating through maternity galaxy. Even if it's gloomy, rainy, or snowy (which it is most of the time if you live in Michigan like I do) It's still day light and on those rare days when it is sunny you want to take advantage of those awesome rays even if it is from the comfort of your living room. Believe me this is one of the biggest things that made me feel human again.

Let the laundry and the dishes go. If it's a choice between doing them and taking a nap take the nap. That way when your husband gets home you may have a little energy to use to talk, which is good you will need grown up conversation believe me. Plus he can help with those tasks, you have the rest of your life to figure out how to do chores and raise a child give yourself a break. I'll still pick a nap over anything even shopping. If a messy house is stressing you out call on some of those people that offered to help. However, if you do this make sure you let them help don't run around the house cleaning before they get there. I felt funny asking for help, then I got really depressed and my Grammy came and helped out. It was incredible after only a couple of days with someone else in the house to talk to, and being able to see the kitchen counters and finding clothes in the draws (I still couldn't fit into them but at least they were there) I felt so much better. If you have a mom or other relatives that live close don't worry about boundaries use their help you can always set guidelines later when you have the energy to cook your own mac n cheese (I was really lucky I didn't need to worry about boundaries my problem was not feeling guilty about asking).

It will be months before you feel like exercising and that is ok, it nine months to put on the weight don't worry about getting it off again until you can laugh with out peeing and your hemorrhoids are gone. If it is warm a short walk may really help you out. I live in Michigan and it's winter so thats out of the question, but the few times I did get to take that stroller out I felt so happy to be in the fresh air it reminds you that you are not trapped in your house.

I know all your grandmas are telling you that it's all right to let the baby cry, and you think it's crazy but guess what they're right. You can go to the rest room it won't kill you precious heart to be left alone for a second. And if your baby is crying whether you hold and sooth him or not he may as well cry in his crib so you can go in the other room and recover your sanity. There was a time when every time my husband and I sat down Hunter would start screaming so we wouldn't get to eat together and neither of us would get to eat in peace. I finally put him in his crib and shut the door, we got to eat dinner (which was good I was running on fumes which makes me hysterical anyway) then ten maybe fifteen minutes later we were done and He was asleep, he was just cranky. A baby swing works a lot better for this and allows you and your baby to be in the same room while you eat dinner and maybe talk to your mate and you probably won't feel as bad. We also decided to "teach" him to sleep in his crib which required a lot of crying but only for like two nights; I'm not saying this is what will work best for you I'm just saying don't feel bad if you want you baby in his own bed and room at night I need my sleep and space and babies are noisy sleepers plus I knew for us it would be easier to deal with it now then when he was two or three.

Definitely borrow or splurge and buy a baby swing they are a God send. Give your baby a pacifier and screw the experts who tell you not to; he'll probably still nurse fine and he'll be a lot happier. It may be easier for you to give your baby a bath in the tub with you or your mate that's all right he'll probably like it better anyway and at least you killed two birds with one stone (his bath and yours). If you need to supplement with a bottle of formula after breast feeding is established so your spouse can get up and do one of the night feedings that is ok. Breast is best, but it's more important to your baby that your sane and one bottle a day is not going to hurt him (it will, however, make his toots and poops very smelly).

If there is a movie you really want to see take him with you; it's dark so you can breast feed if you want and it's loud so he'll probably sleep through the entire thing any way you won't be able to that for long so take advantage of it. And when he's a little older you can leave him with a trusted adult and go out, it's good for you and your relationship. I just did that for the first time and it was nice, wierd but nice. And you can leave your baby with your husband and get out of the house for a couple of hours remember you are still you and your baby needs a mentally healthy you so take a couple of hours to yourself and go buy yourself a couple of shirts that fit. Your husband will be fine and it's good for him to know that you trust him and good for you to have a couple on non-maternity shirts that fit.

I'm still learning and I'll pass anything else on to you, I need to go steal that nap while I can. Remember we're not perfect and learning to take my own advice will be hard but we need to give ourselves room to be human and therefore, happier.

P.S. isn't this picture hilarious, my husband took it yesterday?

Monday, February 5, 2007

A No Grocery Week

This is going to be one of those weird crazy weeks where your not sure if it's going to be fun or just too much. The up side of this week is there is only one day where I need to make dinner (today, we had this really yummy Rachael Ray meat loaf).

Tuesday Brian and I are actually going out to dinner, just the two of us, Hunter is staying with Gordon and Carla, our minister and his wife. Is it terrible that I'm really looking forward to it? We haven't been on a date, just the two of us in a loooong time and I saw this thing on Every Day With Rachael Ray (sounds like I'm obsessed with Rachael Ray, I do really like her) with a love expert and she talked about how we loose that spark, and small things can help; dating, sitting next to each other on the couch so that your touching (of course right now we're not using a couch but two separate chairs isn't that horrible) and I just cried I love him so much and I don't want to loose that spark. It's hard too, you know, I mean by the time we get to bed I'm so tired and he's already sleeping, and the reason we're not using a couch to watch tv is because it's freezing in the basement so we're cramming into the office and watching the tiny little TV. Needless to say I'm looking forward to this little date.

Wednesday is a church dinner, and Thursday is our home group and we're ordering pizza.

Then Friday we leave for our youth ministers conference where its all restaurants all the time. So I'm not even going to the grocery store (yea right I have to go at least once it's my calling).

Saturday, February 3, 2007

You'll never believe it

Well for those of you who have been keeping up with my somewhat mindless ramblings will not be surprised when I tell you this next thing. The baby is not having allergies and I know this because my husband and I woke up this morning with tickles in our throats and stuffy noses. I am not joking, this makes four colds in three months!! I am doing my best to knock it out; tons of emergency, fruit, salt water. For those of you that pray could you please pray that this passes by us in a hurry, I'm not sure how much more of the germy germs I can take. I'm going to clorox everything all handles and everything and I'd like to open the windows to let in some fresh air but we're under a wind chill advisory. Seriously please pray that we kick this quick we have a convention coming up and so many things better to do then lay around and be sick. Maybe God is trying to tell us something but I'm not sure what it is.

Another funny thing happened we bought some lactose free soy formula and the poop is just as gross as the other formula poops. So I suppose the formula just gives them gross poops and well now we have a lot of formula! I'll just put one of the cans in the freezer and hopefully it will last a while.

Not much else to report I just wanted to ask for prayers to knock out this new cold, time to get over the sick and get on with my life.

Friday, February 2, 2007

Ground Hog Day

Today is Ground Hog Day and isn't that just the most disappointing day of the year? I mean it makes no sense and is such a huge let down, and there are groundhogs all over so which one is the official ground hog? It's never made sense in the month when your just yearning for warmth why would you put your hopes in a barn damaging rodent? Then if the ground hog sees his shadow it means six more weeks of winter, that doesn't make sense either. The sun has to be out in order to see a shadow and if the sun was out wouldn't it be warming the earth and melting the snow getting you closer to spring, while if it was cloudy like it is today wouldn't it be colder and snowier?

I would love to rename this day sleep through the night day. It would be so much more exciting commemorating the night that Hunter slept all night. Of course we've been having trouble while he slept six hours and then five it's slowly been going back down until I had to fight with him last night to get him to go four. And I had to get up with him because he's got this weird cold and I'm trying to figure out if it really is a cold or if it is some kind of allergy to the formula (that formula that's been helping my sanity). So For the last couple of days I've been breast feeding all the time so I have to get up with him at night and of course he decided to get up early!!

So the cold seems to be leaving but in the way a normal cold leaves. However, his poop changed back to normal, I had thought that it had gotten gross because of the cereal but apparently not. So I called my sister in law to ask her when her baby switched to formula what his poop looked like (what a weird thing to call someone about) she told me that he had the same pooping problem and that the doctors told her to switch to a soy based formula; so lets try that. Brian and I are going to look for that today. Of course I just bought this huge can of the other formula and formula is expensive! Oh well thank goodness for our extra baby fund.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007


I'm watching Dahrma and Greg because it's on during the morning and I think it's funny. However, I wanted to blog while the baby is snoozing in his swing so I had to force myself to turn it off. I really have to be careful I have tv-somnia where I can't look away once it's on.

What I want to write today is something that's in my heart recently but it's something that is hard to verbalize let alone write so I hope that it comes out correctly. I love my mom and dad so much, I always have and have always felt so blessed that they're my parents. Since I've had a baby and they've moved things have gotten so complicated. My mom and I have always gotten along well, and I've never had much reason to not do what she says which was good when I was under their care but is weird now that I'm an adult and have lots, well at least some, obligations. The baby and I are going out there in march and I'm really excited (except I am a little nervous about flying alone with the baby but I think it will be fine) and mom is buying the tickets so when she went to get them on line she was looking at me spending close to two weeks out there which would be great if I didn't have the baby or he wasn't a baby and wasn't changing so fast and I didn't have obligations with the Church.

Don't get me wrong I would love to spend two weeks in Maryland, or a month if my husband could be there too, but he can't he's saving all of his vacation for Disney World (which is just so exciting). When I told him the dates he wasn't like "no you can't go" he's not that way at all but he did say it was a long time to be away from the baby. "He's growing so fast" is what he did say "and I don't want to miss anything." That is so sweet and true. So I asked mom if there were a way to shorten the trip, which I think hurt her feelings and that's the last thing I want to do, obviously, (well maybe not the last thing that would probably be getting a tooth pulled). She's thinking she hardly gets to see her grandson and two weeks is nothing compared to living with him. It's this balance that I have a hard time finding; my life here and three people I love so much there. Having to say no to my mom and not feel like a disobedient child but a twenty five year old who loves them so much but loves her husband too.

Sometimes I wish my husband was controlling and would say, this is what you can and can't do. That way if anyone had hurt feelings it wouldn't be my fault. Of course he isn't he even said "do what you think you have to do." which while sweet and supportive isn't at all helpful since I feel like I need to do completely conflicting things. I know that I don't want a controlling husband and I need to step up and be mature but it's so hard because I love all of them so much.

What I really wish is that they hadn't moved. I know it's selfish, but instead of seeing them every few months I could see them every few days. Brian and I have this homework from our home group to do this week and it requires us going out for an hour a lone and answering some questions. They're suppose to live here so that they can watch Hunter, we've had lot's of other people offer to stay with him anytime but it's so awkward actually asking. I want to be able to go jogging with my Daddy and train together for a road race this summer. I have these great recipes I would love to try but they're not here to come over for dinner. I don't think God originally intended for families to live so far apart. We're suppose to learn from each other and support each other. Back in the days before planes and a "mobile society" you always lived close to the ones you loved and then your mom and aunts and Grandmas were there to help you learn how to mother and cook and all that stuff. It would completely solve this entire traveling with a baby and being away-from-your-husband-for-how-long problem.

I know it's selfish and I think that deep down what I really want is for them to be happy, for them to flourish where they are. I just wish it were here.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007


My body isn't the same since I had the baby. I suppose that goes without saying but I didn't know how truly cruel nature could be. It doesn't seem like such a blessing would require such a sacrifice from my poor thighs.

Of course my outward appearance is different, there's the weight, the stretch marks (I have a friend who actually told me that she didn't get any stretch marks during her pregnancy, I'd like to stretch mark her)! The jelly rolls that I haven't seen since I was in elementary school have made their comeback and boy did they decide to comeback with style. I must look different too, before when Brian and I would be teaching a Sunday school class full of high schoolers they really weren't that interested in listening to us. We'd ask them to get into groups and it was like pulling teeth, now I just look at them with this "mom" look that requires a tilted head and raised eyebrows and they move quicker then Lance Armstrong.

It's not just the body, though, my organs are all messed up too. Of course the initial recovery from labor was tough, I had stitches and hemorrhoids the size of a mountain. All my muscles hurt; it felt like I had run a marathon. It's been four months and while most of that has healed my insides are still a little off. I used to laugh when my Mom and aunts would laugh so hard they would pee, but now I totally know why. It's like not just my outsides have sagged but so have my insides. There's this bounce on the inside that matches the jiggle on the outside that never used to be there. I go to the bathroom and after I'm done peeing, it still dribbles out. If I cough or sneeze I have to cross my legs just to be safe. I can't believe I went from a firm young twenty something to a total middle aged mom in nine months!

I know those keegel exercises are suppose to help, and I'm sure they would if I could remember to do them faithfully, but along with my bodies demise my brain has also decided to begin it's descent into oblivion. I'm lucky if I can remember whether or not I brushed my teeth let alone some weird tightening exercise.

Monday, January 29, 2007



Yesterday was our first youth Sunday at church and it went pretty well. It was more stressful then it used to be, pre-children, I sang and oh my I felt so chubby and old up there next to those perky teenagers. It didn't help that it snowed really bad in the morning and so they canceled youth Sunday and we all relaxed, then it stopped snowing and they decided to have it after all. Because Brian was preaching and I was helping with the praise team and doing a skit I had to put Hunter in the nursery for the first time. Now I totally trust the women in the nursery they've all been screened by the staff and I know them personally so my nervousness wasn't about them. I kept thinking "what if he cries? what if he thinks I abandoned him?" I know it's ridiculous but when I signed him in and they took him over the counter my heart wanted to jump out of my chest. I wanted to grab him back and tell his father to find someone else to sing; I was too important to Hunter to let him go. Of course he did just fine in the nursery. I suppose he didn't need me as much as I imagined (just a little blow to the ego). As soon as Church was over I practically sprinted to the check-in counter but was stopped several times by well meaning congregants who wanted to tell me how nice the service was. I had to bite my tongue from shouting, "out of my way people I have someone more important to get." and then as I neared the nursery I saw that somehow my husband had beat me to it and was already holding my very satisfied looking son! Can you believe it?! I ran on adrenalin all day and slept so hard.

Speaking of sleep there's good news, I hesitated writing about it before because in the past I've always jinxed myself but I think it may be happening. Three days ago Hunter slept for six hours ate then slept for another four, which was just incredible. The next night he slept for five hours and then a couple after he ate, and last night five hours and three after he ate!! Could it be that we're finally moving into a longer sleep pattern, is the cereal finally helping? He started sleeping more just before his four month mark maybe that's going to be our magic number. Whoo hoo, whatever the reason I am so thankful for the last couple of nights, I really hope it lasts.

Hunter seems warm to me today. Now I've seen enough shows about parents over reacting so I'm trying to be logical and keep a level head. I took his temp under his arm, which was tricky I can't imagine doing it the other way (if you know what I mean). The thermometer read 98.1, and I read on line (the invaluable resource for parents and cooks alike) that an under arm reading can be as much as 1 degree lower then it really is, so at the most he may be running a fever of 99.1, which is like .5 degrees high, which I'm thinking isn't much. Believe me I'll keep an eye on it, and he doesn't seem extra fussy and is eating normal but he is acting a little sleepy. These are the things about parenting that make me so nervous, it makes me wish I had a medical degree or an in-house nurse. I sincerely hope he's not going to start teething, he's already fussy and I can't imagine what a teething Hunter would be like not to mention that breast feeding has been a struggle and if he gets teeth I'm not to sure what will happen to my poor nipples.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Blow Outs

So my goal was to wait until Hunter was four months old to give him cereal, and I almost made it. He will be four months old Sunday, but this past week he's just been acting like he's starving, I just couldn't get him full so I decided what was a few days and I went ahead pumped out some milk added rice cereal and gave it to him before he went to bed. It was amazing he slept for five hours!! I rejoiced seven hours of sleep and I was on cloud nine; It's true what everyone says about solid food hallelujah! The next night I went to bed full of confidence, knowing that I was past the hell stage, and then less then three hours later he awoke hungry and mad.

Seriously I was so disillusioned, and sad. I'm still giving him the cereal hoping that it will work it's magic once more, but I'll tell you what it's hard. And it always seems like I guess it wrong. Last night he was fussy all evening so we gave him his bath and I put him in his swing. He fell asleep and I pumped knowing that he would be up in a couple of hours I stayed up waiting to feed him so of course he sleeps for four hours in a row, all the while I keep thinking, "soon, he'll wake up soon, and if I go to bed now he'll just get up." until finally at midnight I went to bed and he woke up fifteen minutes later, ahhhh!

So anyway, because of the cereal we have begun to experience a whole new experience in pooping. The first post cereal poop change fell to Brian and I was actually disappointed because I wanted to know what it looked like, if only I had known that mine would be coming soon. It still has the same color just a little lumpy and quite a bit more smelly but it suddenly is expelled with huge force. We've had blow-outs I never knew were possible. Just an example of this; during my luncheon we're sitting around talking about gross kid things; I'm holding Hunter who's pretty happy and I look down and there is poop on my hand, on my shirt, my jeans and all up Hunter's back!! I couldn't believe it, I mean the logical part of me was quite amazed the human part of me was a little horrified.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007


Today was the day of my lunch and it was really nice. Being with other moms is fun because you don't have to worry about if your child is bothering them. Our babies were all laying on blankets on the floor and in our laps while we ate. The older kids watched movies and fought with each other. It was really nice to have adult conversation, and in the middle of the day no less, and nice to talk mom talk. Other moms that I've talked to about feedings and emotions and love have been moms a long time it was nice to talk to someone who is right there with me.

I hope it takes off. Back when my Grammy was having kids almost all moms stayed home so it was natural to go to each others homes and chat, now it's unusual and I think we've lost the art of entertaining other women. That easy lunch, the coffee and tea break. We need to find, at least I do, that art again. I need a couple of people to talk with; someone who doesn't make me feel like less of a woman for staying home with my kids, when, for me, I know in my heart it makes me more of a woman. I like that we all cut coupons and spend our days surrounded by gurgles and coos and diapers. It's like coming home; finding other women who made that difficult choice to leave the work force and raise their children even if it meant making financial sacrifices and sacrifices to their careers. Even if it meant "tsks" from women who feel that we're snubbing our noses at all that the women libbers did for us(even though their secretly jealous).

It took me so long to make friends and feel like I belonged at the old church, and I'm excited that I'm getting to know people so much faster now. I keep thinking about the park and the zoo and all the fun we can have once the snow leaves. Like I said before I hope it takes off if nothing more then for my sanity.

On a side note, I made this brownie thing that was amazing, if I do say so myself. It's actually a shame because it certainly won't help me loose any weight. But if your ever in the mood for something shamefully bad for you that's legal contact me for the recipe. Chocolate and sticks of butter AMAZING!!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Mommy's Boy


So today was a good day. Tuesdays are Brian's day off and we had a good time. I cleaned the house (I should say am cleaning, I'm taking a break to watch reruns and write this), because I'm having a luncheon with a couple of moms from my church tomorrow. There is something so liberating about having a clean house, something so freeing vacuuming up all that dog hair. If only I could keep it that way, the office is already full of clutter.

Then we went to the local farmers market type store and it was so fun. I found all of these cool vegetables that they use on food network but I've never actually seen and that just got my creative cooking juices flowing. I'm trying to incorporate more veggies into our diet and it makes it more fun using new ingredients. This store is so cool full of flowers and fancy wines and cheese. So anyway, that was nice, it was good to spend time with my husband.

When we got home I made the soup for my luncheon and dinner, all the while my husband is trying to take care of our son. Hunter won't stop crying, Brian's walking him around the house and every time they come in the kitchen and I hold him he stops crying instantly, and as soon as I give him back to his dad the wailing starts back up. There's a part of me that feels good that I'm the one he wants that I can sooth him when no one else can, the practical part of me knows that it could be stressful in the long term being the only one he wants. Plus I don't want his dad to get stressed out. It could just be a phase, or a sour tummy day, but it is nice knowing that Hunter knows who I am, and knowing that he wants my arms around him.

Monday, January 22, 2007

My New Bra

One of my oldest girlfriends came to visit me this weekend. There is something so sweet about visiting with a friend. The kind you laugh and cry with the kind that you can tell anything, in fact my husband and I have an understanding that I will most likely tell this friend everything, he's come to accept it.

So there were a couple reasons why this visit was nice. First of all because of our new occasional bottle method my husband stayed home and watched Hunter so I was able to spend the afternoon out and about with a normal sized purse which was so nice (although by the end of the evening I was wondering if my son was missing me, because I was certainly missing him). Secondly I finally bought a couple of new bras to replace my second set (I had long ago grown out of the first set which were bigger then my originals) So here I am trying to buy some new bras, I have to go to the maternity store because Victoria's Secret doesn't sell nursing bras (apparently nursing mother's don't need to feel sexy) and the one style of bra at the maternity store which is sort of cute doesn't come in the size I need (I guess if your boobs are huge you also don't need cute bras that make you feel pretty). So after trying on several different styles and sizes I buy two plane nude colored size E. That's right I said E, and there's not a lot of growing room either, and as far as I could tell E was the biggest they carried what happens if they get bigger!!!! How big can they get?! I'll have to start using parachutes to hold these babies in.

After that traumatic experience my friend and I decided to get some dinner. We eat and have a really nice time, after I call home to make sure that the babies all right. Then after dinner we stop at a couple of other places and head home. We walk in the house and my friend says to me "where are your bras?" Crap, I left them at the restaurant!! Now if you've been following my blogs you'll remember how I forgot the coupon, locked the keys in the house and who knows how many other my-brain-is-shot type things. I call up the restaurant and the guy I'm talking to is asking me all kinds of things, "what kind of package? What store was it from again?" I didn't feel like telling him that it was giant bras of the kind that would be too big for Pamela Anderson. So back into the wintry night we go, to the restaurant where everyone keeps asking me when I'm due because I'm there to pick up a bag from the maternity store, I finally start making up a date, since I get sick of telling perfect strangers that I'm not actually pregnant anymore just my boobs are out of control.

I asked another mom if they would shrink back down to their original size once I was done breast feeding. She said they would but probably not back to their original shape. I was pretty sad about that at first, since my breasts were the one thing on my body that I was happy with pre-baby, but now I'll just be happy to fit into a normal sized shirt again.

Friday, January 19, 2007


So I've been reading the "Girlfriends Guide to the the First Year of Pregnancy" and they have an entire chapter on weight. I found it to be very insightful and a relief. She said not to force yourself into exercising until around month five (which was great considering it's been snowing nonstop). She also said that you would loose most of the weight up to the last ten pounds naturally and not to expect to loose what took nine month to gain in such a sort time. So after reading that I felt such relief she did of course talk about nutrition.

Now don't let me lead you into believing that I have given up sweets completely, I haven't but I've really cut back. I've been eating whole grains, and fruit, trying to up my protein and drinking lots of fluids. So you can imagine how I was looking forward to weighing myself and seeing that little needle drop especially since I was sick and hardly ate anything last week. You can also imagine my horror when according the scale I had gained five pounds!! Seriously is that even possible?! I mean how is that possible!!!

After a good cry, well I've been crying most of the day, but after crying I came to some conclusions. Either A, this is my dream, my scale is broken and I've actually dropped ten pounds. B, I've got some medical problem and my body is just putting on tons of weight. C, I can't even talk about this option, whenever I think about it I cry. Or finally C I'm just a fatty fat fat, which is what I've been calling myself in my head all day.

I'm not sure what to do, I know I can drop out the rest of my sugar (I mean try I don't have the greatest will power, which could explain option C) but even still I don't think I'm eating that bad. I'll start exercising as soon as it gets a little warmer and my nose stopps running. But seriously what is going on, it's hard not to feel completely hopeless, I'm getting dangerously close to that 200 mark and I think I may have to kill myself if I get there.

I talked to my Grammy and that did help, she prayed with me and that helped too, but well I don't want to end up thirty and so overweight I can never conquer it, and I have to give up bathing suits all together. Any way wish me luck.

Thursday, January 18, 2007


Before I get to the real point of my entry today I would like to vent about the sleeping habits, or lack there of for my almost four month old. Ever since he was brand new he would sleep 3-4 hours at a stretch during the night and sometimes if we were really lucky five. As annoying as getting up to anything less then eight is to someone like me it was dooable. Now all of a sudden he's decided he can only go two hours without waking up. Now before you start giving me your expert advice let me just say, I let him cry during the day and make sure he has time on the floor to stretch his limbs. He stays awake most of the evening and also gets a bath before bed. During the day he'll go 2.5-3 hours between feedings and sometimes his afternoon nap will even be 3-4 hours long. He goes down at night easy as pie... for two hours when he decides he's starving but will only eat four ounces leaving him starving again in a couple of hours. I'm not sure if he doesn't like the formula or he's just being extremely difficult, but I don't know how much more I can take. He's suppose to be sleeping longer not less, and babies on formula supposedly can go longer!!

Now the real point of my entry today is about siblings. Today is my youngest sister's birthday, she's twenty which my husband likes to point out means that when she's my age I'll be thirty. I pointed out that I could make his life miserable and beat the crap out of him. Brian and I can't imagine having another child what with all the crying and eating it seems near impossible, and right now Brian's saying he really just wants one kid. I think that means he's in the midst of baby and can't imagine more then one but I'm in no hurry to have another one right now any way so we'll just see.

It's easy to imagine my life with one child, I love him so much. I can see how it would be easier to devote my self to his growth and development. It's kind of fun to think of my family like the three muskateers, a little triangle full of love and fun, but then I think about my sister (and those boxes of girl clothes I have in the basement) and I wonder if that's what I want for him. My sisters are great and I'm not just saying that because it's Heather's birthday I really mean it. We had our fights when we were growing up (although not as much as some) but now that we're older they're my friends. We have a lot of fun together and if we could just live close together it would be awesome. Siblings teach you so many things about life starting with sharing and on down to devotion and protection and love.

I loved being the oldest getting to watch my sisters grow and become mature adults was so cool. Walking Heather to school when she was little with her little mittened hand in my pocket will always be one of my best memories. Remembering staying up late with Courtney talking about boys and laughing until Dad came in all eyebrows will always make me smile. Christmas wouldn't have been as great as it was if I didn't have two people to stay up with late so excited we couldn't sleep, and just as excited about my presents as I was.

When we moved to Coldwater we weren't living in our house yet (it was being remodeled) but we put a tree up anyway and the three of us slept on the floor in Courtney's future room, with the big ugly yellow flowers on the wall and that wierd empty house smell. It was great! Now that would not have been totally awesome if they weren't there.

I think siblings are important, I know mine are. They're not only great sisters there great Aunts. If I had been an only child my life would have been a lot more dull but what about Hunter he would be missing out on so much; noisy and messy toys (the kind no parent in their right mind would buy for their own child) sleep overs with his cousins, movies and late night snacks before they have children of their own and know better, and mostly love.

I thank God for my siblings, when I look back on our lives together my heart just swells. I want that for Hunter I just hope he's as blessed as I am.

P.S. Just because I think siblings are a good idea in no way means I'm pregnant or am planning on getting pregnant any time soon, so don't get your hopes up mom and Grammy. My body and my sanity needs rest.

P.S.S. Happy Birthday Heather, I wish I could be there with you to celebrate you bring so much joy to our lives!!!!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Thank You Notes

I cleaned my office yesterday, which was a real accomplishment since that's the room where everything gets thrown when we have company and the room with all of the paper build up. I can usually get to cleaning about one room every couple of days which would work out well except by the end of the week where ever I started has already cluttered up again. I know that if I was really dedicated I would be able to keep up with it (you know the old put things away when your done with them routine) but somehow I just can't quite catch on.

Anyway, when I was cleaning the office I found all of my old Thank you notes that needed to be written for all of the baby showers. Now I advize that as quickly as you can get those thank you notes in the mail box after your showers don't wait around. In my case I had every intention of getting them done before Hunter came, and I did have a lot of them written, but he came three weeks early and those thank you notes have been nothing but a thorn in my side ever since. I knew they were here and I had this horrible sense of shame pushing me to get them done, but like I said before I can't even keep one room in my house clean... so I finally threw them away. I know this may sound shocking and scandalous to some of you but since becoming a mother I've realized I have to give myself permission to slack off somewhere. I can't do it all, and I'd rather spend time cooing at my son, then writing notes for something that happened months and months ago.

Please don't misunderstand me I am extremely grateful for all of the gifts, I had no idea babies cost so much and required so many things. And it was wonderful seeing my family and friends, knowing that they were there for me and excited about my baby too. All of it was so nice, but I can't keep up with everything and I've decided to let this go. I will confess that when I threw them in the trash bag, it was like this huge weight off my shoulders and I actually got this sick pleasure hearing all those old cards hit the bottom of the bag with a thwoosh!

So to any one who reads this and never recieved a thank you note from me, thank you I apprieciate so much your love and carring, please know it was taken to heart, and I ask you to forgive me for not having the energy to get those cute little notes out to the mailbox. For those of you who may read this and are expecting or are struggling to get your thank you notes written let me be the one to give you permission to not do it. Remember there are other things that are more important in your life right now, and will be for eighteen years, if not forever. You won't be able to do everything so give yourself permission to be ok with that, I have, well at least I'm working towards being ok with that. And let me tell you it's nice being able to look into the face of my son and know in my heart that those notes don't matter all that much.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Locked out of the House

Today was a day of a great many mishaps. It's Brian's day off so, like always we decided to do our banking and grocery shopping. As we pulled into the meijer's parking lot I realized that I had forgotten a valuable coupon so back to the house we go, where I discover that I must have thrown the coupon out by accident. So after all of that we come home with our groceries and one hungry baby wailing in the back seat to find out that when I had run into the house to get the coupon I left locking the keys in the house!!!

Luckily our neighbor was home so we could call the lock smith ($50 buks down the drain). On our shopping journey we bought batteries for the baby swing, which is a must have since it totally sooths him but can you guess we bought the wrong size batteries. AAAHHHH!!!! And wouldn't you know it through it all my husband was as gracious as could be. He never got mad (though perhaps a little annoyed) and he didnt' make me feel bad. He's an extremely good man that's for sure.

He's an amazing husband, he actually gets up and feeds the baby in the middle of the night so I can get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. He watches the baby so I can get a nap, changes diapers, does dishes, and anything else if I ask. He still wants to have sex with me even though my body looks like something from a horror film, and tells me I'm beautiful (I think he may even believe what he's saying).

He's a good father too. I'm not sure I've ever seen this side of him. The way he talks to Hunter and the way he looks at him when he's holding him. I can tell he adores the little guy and doesn't seem to mind that our lives have been turned upside down. Hunter is his son in every way and my heart grows so much bigger when I watch the two of them together (the way Hunter looks so interested in everything his dad does). Having a child can make or break you as a couple and so far I've felt closer to my husband and have so much more respect for him. I'll always hold in my heart the way Brian talks to Hunter when I hand him over at 6am to go back to bed, or the way they look together sleeping on the couch. I'm one lucky person that's for sure. I suppose the real phrase is one blessed person.

Monday, January 15, 2007

The Good Days

I would like to begin by saying since I started this journal of my expeiriences into house wiving I've tried to keep it real and honest and since it seems you do journaling when your frustrated and upset I'm sure it comes off sounding much more depressed then it does joyful, which is why I would like to make sure and talk about the wonderful things as well as the struggles.

So far today has been a good day, I broke down and went to the doctor and got on an antibiotic which seems to be helping already, and that makes a huge difference when you almost feel like a human. Also Hunter, who for the last couple of days has been very fussy, (going through nanny withdrawl is what I like to call it, since his Grandma was just here and rarely puts him down, I don't blame her either; he's so darn cute and she doesn't get to see him that often) has decided to become charming overnight. He spent the morning gurgling and cooing at me, on the floor where he could stretch out. I spent the morning trying to get him say the pheonem "ma", which accoding to the internet he could say anytime. Whenever I would say "ma" he would smile at me, like I was so silly and he would never say anything that funny.

The entire thing was so darn cute I could barely stand it, and I felt my heart melting away. It's amazing isn't it how something so small, and something that hasn't even been in your life that long can completely catch your soul? I mean I've always understood the concept of unconditional love, but not from this side of it. My Dad and I used to play this game where I would say "I love you Dad" and he would say "I love you more" which would go on for a while until he said, "I've loved you longer" and now I find out there was no arguing with that and he was right all along.

Strange how your own child can show you how much your parents love you. I mean I've always known they love me but now I understand what kind of love it is. It isn't mutual; let me explain, I love them so much, but I didn't realize that I loved them differently then they love me. I never knew how pure and how much their love is. I am so grateful for them, and my understanding and respect for them is so much now that I've experienced mine towards my son. Wierd, though, I don't feel like I deserve anything close to what I feel for Hunter, but I suppose that is the true explanation of "unconditional".

Thanks mom and dad, please know I love you so much, but I doubt I love you as much as you love me, after all you have loved me longer, and when I couldn't love you back at all.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Am I a Bad Mother?

Well I'm sitting here wondering am I a bad mother? I've been sick since thanksgiving and when I go to pump for the babie's night bottle I'm lucky if I get three ounces. On top of that the babie's going through a growth spurt and eating a lot more often so there is less and less time for my boobs to fill back up, which leaves him not completely full and pretty upset. What all of this means is that instead of my wonderful husband getting up with the baby in the night I have to get up to feed him instead which leaves me extremely tired making it even harder to get over the colds I have and easier to catch the next one that walks through my door. So I broke down and bought some formula.

Now believe me I am not giving up on the breast feeding I've read enough literature to know how good it is for him, and I've tried to be dedicated to the "no formula ever" school of thought but I feel like I'm in some kind of wierd catch twenty two. I should also be honest and let you all know that my being sick isn't the only reason for my betrayel; I came to the point where I realized something had to give.

I was in the shower, (one of the three I've taken this week) and I was wondering why I've been so sick, and why when I'm not sick have I been so blue? I sort of came to the realization that my life is out of balance. I've already talked about feeling trapped and left out of so many fun things because I have to rush home to feed my baby, but there are other things as well. I can count the number of times my husband and I have made love since Hunter's birth on one hand, and it's not from lack of wanting too it's just we're either exhausted, have company, or are sick, not to mention my deep seated fear of becomming pregnant again. Unless my parents are visiting I don't have a lot of outside contact, I mean I'm really lacking in girl friends and the lunches and chit chats that entails. I haven't done a devotion in months and my trumpet has so much dust on it, I can right messages to my husband.

I guess what I'm getting at is something had to give. I love my son, and my husband is so amazing at helping out but he gets to leave every day and go to work, I get to stay at home and sometimes I get to stay at home for days. The formula makes it so I can give up pumping everyday, which takes up a lot of time, and now if someone asks us to go to lunch with them after Church I can go without worrying about exposing my self in public. Maybe my husband and I can actually go on a date.

I don't care if some people think that this makes me less then a perfect mother, I failed at that already any way. It took me three months to figure it out but I think it's more important for my son to have a mother that is emotionally as well as physically healthy. While I want to do everything in my power to give him the very best, I also want to make it to his first birthday in one piece. And if that means the occasional bottle of formula well then I guess it won't kill him.

Friday, January 12, 2007

breast feeding


I had a pretty easy pregnancy, it really wasn't until the last month that I got really uncomfortable. Luckily for me my water broke three weeks early and after a few scares during and right after delivery we became parents to the most adorable baby boy I've ever seen. Seriously people stop us in the store to look at him.

Now I was determined to breast feed, but I had no clue how hard it was going to be. Even now three months later I find that I'm still a little sore. While we're talking about breast feeding I would like to bring to everyone's attention the lies that I have discovered in the books and the from the experts. "Breast fed babies don't get constipated and won't have gas" huge lie, my sweet tiny baby has man farts, I'm serious they are as loud as his fathers! "Breast fed babies won't get sick" as I write this my poor little guy has a cold that we just seem to be passing back and forth. "Your breasts will only be sore for a while, and if they hurt your doing something wrong." I have been to all different kinds of lactation specialists and while some of thier advice was good, some of it also made it worse and I still have sore nipples.

The books said that it was more convenient to breast feed, no bottles, perfect temperature every time, and your boobs are always with you. Those things are true but unless you're extremely liberated your not going to whip your boob out in the middle of steak and shake, or while your scouring the racks at your favorite department store. Therefore, I find that I'm always searching for a place to feed him, or worried that if I don't gulp down my food he'll wake up and want to eat and then I'll have to try to pay the waitress before dessert while other customers glare at me and my screaming "angel". I've fed him in the car, in bathrooms, practically anywhere you can get some privacy.

I can't just "go" anymore. My husband gets to take the youth group out for pizza but I know that my darling is going to wake up and need to eat so I have to go home to my jealous dog and empty fridge since I haven't had time to grocery shop in weeks. Don't get me wrong I know it's what's best for him and I'm still committed to the breast feeding but in my perfect picture of what being a house wife would be I never imagined that I could feel so trapped. It's winter here and there are days when I don't even go outside. There have been days when I do nothing but cry and believe me I'm counting down the days to when I can start to add in solids.

Monday, January 8, 2007

the fifties

I went to college and got one of those degrees where if you don't get your masters it's about as good as a liberal arts degree and your job options have little to do with all of that blood and sweat you put into your papers. After I got married I spent a few years in the unfulfilling role as "administrative assistant". Apparently I can only handle having to keep track of one man's schedule, my husband's, because after only a few long months of playing solitare on my computer and mindlessly re-reading news letters I wanted to scream "get you own damn coffee!!".

So when my husband got a new job and I found out I was pregnant we figured it was time for me to stay at home and become, gulp, a "house wife". I wasn't sad to leave the work force and was actually pretty excited to become (insert super hero music), the most amazing home engineer this side of the mississippi.

My Grammy had six children plus fostered who knows how many others, my mom had three and didn't get a job outside of the home untill we were all in school. They're both known for their hospitality and cooking skills and there is never a single thing out of place at my mom's house so I figured hey if they could do it with multiple children I could certainly do it with a smaller house and only one child.

I have this love of the 1950's, the warm homes, home made meals, and checkerd aprons. It just seems so wholesome and right you know, the mom with home baked cookies waiting for her kids after school. That is how I envisioned my life as a stay-at-home mom. Now I am sure that those of you who are already at home with your kids or are in the midst of that infant stage, are laughing you heads off; I'm glad someone is...