Wednesday, January 31, 2007


I'm watching Dahrma and Greg because it's on during the morning and I think it's funny. However, I wanted to blog while the baby is snoozing in his swing so I had to force myself to turn it off. I really have to be careful I have tv-somnia where I can't look away once it's on.

What I want to write today is something that's in my heart recently but it's something that is hard to verbalize let alone write so I hope that it comes out correctly. I love my mom and dad so much, I always have and have always felt so blessed that they're my parents. Since I've had a baby and they've moved things have gotten so complicated. My mom and I have always gotten along well, and I've never had much reason to not do what she says which was good when I was under their care but is weird now that I'm an adult and have lots, well at least some, obligations. The baby and I are going out there in march and I'm really excited (except I am a little nervous about flying alone with the baby but I think it will be fine) and mom is buying the tickets so when she went to get them on line she was looking at me spending close to two weeks out there which would be great if I didn't have the baby or he wasn't a baby and wasn't changing so fast and I didn't have obligations with the Church.

Don't get me wrong I would love to spend two weeks in Maryland, or a month if my husband could be there too, but he can't he's saving all of his vacation for Disney World (which is just so exciting). When I told him the dates he wasn't like "no you can't go" he's not that way at all but he did say it was a long time to be away from the baby. "He's growing so fast" is what he did say "and I don't want to miss anything." That is so sweet and true. So I asked mom if there were a way to shorten the trip, which I think hurt her feelings and that's the last thing I want to do, obviously, (well maybe not the last thing that would probably be getting a tooth pulled). She's thinking she hardly gets to see her grandson and two weeks is nothing compared to living with him. It's this balance that I have a hard time finding; my life here and three people I love so much there. Having to say no to my mom and not feel like a disobedient child but a twenty five year old who loves them so much but loves her husband too.

Sometimes I wish my husband was controlling and would say, this is what you can and can't do. That way if anyone had hurt feelings it wouldn't be my fault. Of course he isn't he even said "do what you think you have to do." which while sweet and supportive isn't at all helpful since I feel like I need to do completely conflicting things. I know that I don't want a controlling husband and I need to step up and be mature but it's so hard because I love all of them so much.

What I really wish is that they hadn't moved. I know it's selfish, but instead of seeing them every few months I could see them every few days. Brian and I have this homework from our home group to do this week and it requires us going out for an hour a lone and answering some questions. They're suppose to live here so that they can watch Hunter, we've had lot's of other people offer to stay with him anytime but it's so awkward actually asking. I want to be able to go jogging with my Daddy and train together for a road race this summer. I have these great recipes I would love to try but they're not here to come over for dinner. I don't think God originally intended for families to live so far apart. We're suppose to learn from each other and support each other. Back in the days before planes and a "mobile society" you always lived close to the ones you loved and then your mom and aunts and Grandmas were there to help you learn how to mother and cook and all that stuff. It would completely solve this entire traveling with a baby and being away-from-your-husband-for-how-long problem.

I know it's selfish and I think that deep down what I really want is for them to be happy, for them to flourish where they are. I just wish it were here.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007


My body isn't the same since I had the baby. I suppose that goes without saying but I didn't know how truly cruel nature could be. It doesn't seem like such a blessing would require such a sacrifice from my poor thighs.

Of course my outward appearance is different, there's the weight, the stretch marks (I have a friend who actually told me that she didn't get any stretch marks during her pregnancy, I'd like to stretch mark her)! The jelly rolls that I haven't seen since I was in elementary school have made their comeback and boy did they decide to comeback with style. I must look different too, before when Brian and I would be teaching a Sunday school class full of high schoolers they really weren't that interested in listening to us. We'd ask them to get into groups and it was like pulling teeth, now I just look at them with this "mom" look that requires a tilted head and raised eyebrows and they move quicker then Lance Armstrong.

It's not just the body, though, my organs are all messed up too. Of course the initial recovery from labor was tough, I had stitches and hemorrhoids the size of a mountain. All my muscles hurt; it felt like I had run a marathon. It's been four months and while most of that has healed my insides are still a little off. I used to laugh when my Mom and aunts would laugh so hard they would pee, but now I totally know why. It's like not just my outsides have sagged but so have my insides. There's this bounce on the inside that matches the jiggle on the outside that never used to be there. I go to the bathroom and after I'm done peeing, it still dribbles out. If I cough or sneeze I have to cross my legs just to be safe. I can't believe I went from a firm young twenty something to a total middle aged mom in nine months!

I know those keegel exercises are suppose to help, and I'm sure they would if I could remember to do them faithfully, but along with my bodies demise my brain has also decided to begin it's descent into oblivion. I'm lucky if I can remember whether or not I brushed my teeth let alone some weird tightening exercise.

Monday, January 29, 2007



Yesterday was our first youth Sunday at church and it went pretty well. It was more stressful then it used to be, pre-children, I sang and oh my I felt so chubby and old up there next to those perky teenagers. It didn't help that it snowed really bad in the morning and so they canceled youth Sunday and we all relaxed, then it stopped snowing and they decided to have it after all. Because Brian was preaching and I was helping with the praise team and doing a skit I had to put Hunter in the nursery for the first time. Now I totally trust the women in the nursery they've all been screened by the staff and I know them personally so my nervousness wasn't about them. I kept thinking "what if he cries? what if he thinks I abandoned him?" I know it's ridiculous but when I signed him in and they took him over the counter my heart wanted to jump out of my chest. I wanted to grab him back and tell his father to find someone else to sing; I was too important to Hunter to let him go. Of course he did just fine in the nursery. I suppose he didn't need me as much as I imagined (just a little blow to the ego). As soon as Church was over I practically sprinted to the check-in counter but was stopped several times by well meaning congregants who wanted to tell me how nice the service was. I had to bite my tongue from shouting, "out of my way people I have someone more important to get." and then as I neared the nursery I saw that somehow my husband had beat me to it and was already holding my very satisfied looking son! Can you believe it?! I ran on adrenalin all day and slept so hard.

Speaking of sleep there's good news, I hesitated writing about it before because in the past I've always jinxed myself but I think it may be happening. Three days ago Hunter slept for six hours ate then slept for another four, which was just incredible. The next night he slept for five hours and then a couple after he ate, and last night five hours and three after he ate!! Could it be that we're finally moving into a longer sleep pattern, is the cereal finally helping? He started sleeping more just before his four month mark maybe that's going to be our magic number. Whoo hoo, whatever the reason I am so thankful for the last couple of nights, I really hope it lasts.

Hunter seems warm to me today. Now I've seen enough shows about parents over reacting so I'm trying to be logical and keep a level head. I took his temp under his arm, which was tricky I can't imagine doing it the other way (if you know what I mean). The thermometer read 98.1, and I read on line (the invaluable resource for parents and cooks alike) that an under arm reading can be as much as 1 degree lower then it really is, so at the most he may be running a fever of 99.1, which is like .5 degrees high, which I'm thinking isn't much. Believe me I'll keep an eye on it, and he doesn't seem extra fussy and is eating normal but he is acting a little sleepy. These are the things about parenting that make me so nervous, it makes me wish I had a medical degree or an in-house nurse. I sincerely hope he's not going to start teething, he's already fussy and I can't imagine what a teething Hunter would be like not to mention that breast feeding has been a struggle and if he gets teeth I'm not to sure what will happen to my poor nipples.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Blow Outs

So my goal was to wait until Hunter was four months old to give him cereal, and I almost made it. He will be four months old Sunday, but this past week he's just been acting like he's starving, I just couldn't get him full so I decided what was a few days and I went ahead pumped out some milk added rice cereal and gave it to him before he went to bed. It was amazing he slept for five hours!! I rejoiced seven hours of sleep and I was on cloud nine; It's true what everyone says about solid food hallelujah! The next night I went to bed full of confidence, knowing that I was past the hell stage, and then less then three hours later he awoke hungry and mad.

Seriously I was so disillusioned, and sad. I'm still giving him the cereal hoping that it will work it's magic once more, but I'll tell you what it's hard. And it always seems like I guess it wrong. Last night he was fussy all evening so we gave him his bath and I put him in his swing. He fell asleep and I pumped knowing that he would be up in a couple of hours I stayed up waiting to feed him so of course he sleeps for four hours in a row, all the while I keep thinking, "soon, he'll wake up soon, and if I go to bed now he'll just get up." until finally at midnight I went to bed and he woke up fifteen minutes later, ahhhh!

So anyway, because of the cereal we have begun to experience a whole new experience in pooping. The first post cereal poop change fell to Brian and I was actually disappointed because I wanted to know what it looked like, if only I had known that mine would be coming soon. It still has the same color just a little lumpy and quite a bit more smelly but it suddenly is expelled with huge force. We've had blow-outs I never knew were possible. Just an example of this; during my luncheon we're sitting around talking about gross kid things; I'm holding Hunter who's pretty happy and I look down and there is poop on my hand, on my shirt, my jeans and all up Hunter's back!! I couldn't believe it, I mean the logical part of me was quite amazed the human part of me was a little horrified.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007


Today was the day of my lunch and it was really nice. Being with other moms is fun because you don't have to worry about if your child is bothering them. Our babies were all laying on blankets on the floor and in our laps while we ate. The older kids watched movies and fought with each other. It was really nice to have adult conversation, and in the middle of the day no less, and nice to talk mom talk. Other moms that I've talked to about feedings and emotions and love have been moms a long time it was nice to talk to someone who is right there with me.

I hope it takes off. Back when my Grammy was having kids almost all moms stayed home so it was natural to go to each others homes and chat, now it's unusual and I think we've lost the art of entertaining other women. That easy lunch, the coffee and tea break. We need to find, at least I do, that art again. I need a couple of people to talk with; someone who doesn't make me feel like less of a woman for staying home with my kids, when, for me, I know in my heart it makes me more of a woman. I like that we all cut coupons and spend our days surrounded by gurgles and coos and diapers. It's like coming home; finding other women who made that difficult choice to leave the work force and raise their children even if it meant making financial sacrifices and sacrifices to their careers. Even if it meant "tsks" from women who feel that we're snubbing our noses at all that the women libbers did for us(even though their secretly jealous).

It took me so long to make friends and feel like I belonged at the old church, and I'm excited that I'm getting to know people so much faster now. I keep thinking about the park and the zoo and all the fun we can have once the snow leaves. Like I said before I hope it takes off if nothing more then for my sanity.

On a side note, I made this brownie thing that was amazing, if I do say so myself. It's actually a shame because it certainly won't help me loose any weight. But if your ever in the mood for something shamefully bad for you that's legal contact me for the recipe. Chocolate and sticks of butter AMAZING!!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Mommy's Boy


So today was a good day. Tuesdays are Brian's day off and we had a good time. I cleaned the house (I should say am cleaning, I'm taking a break to watch reruns and write this), because I'm having a luncheon with a couple of moms from my church tomorrow. There is something so liberating about having a clean house, something so freeing vacuuming up all that dog hair. If only I could keep it that way, the office is already full of clutter.

Then we went to the local farmers market type store and it was so fun. I found all of these cool vegetables that they use on food network but I've never actually seen and that just got my creative cooking juices flowing. I'm trying to incorporate more veggies into our diet and it makes it more fun using new ingredients. This store is so cool full of flowers and fancy wines and cheese. So anyway, that was nice, it was good to spend time with my husband.

When we got home I made the soup for my luncheon and dinner, all the while my husband is trying to take care of our son. Hunter won't stop crying, Brian's walking him around the house and every time they come in the kitchen and I hold him he stops crying instantly, and as soon as I give him back to his dad the wailing starts back up. There's a part of me that feels good that I'm the one he wants that I can sooth him when no one else can, the practical part of me knows that it could be stressful in the long term being the only one he wants. Plus I don't want his dad to get stressed out. It could just be a phase, or a sour tummy day, but it is nice knowing that Hunter knows who I am, and knowing that he wants my arms around him.

Monday, January 22, 2007

My New Bra

One of my oldest girlfriends came to visit me this weekend. There is something so sweet about visiting with a friend. The kind you laugh and cry with the kind that you can tell anything, in fact my husband and I have an understanding that I will most likely tell this friend everything, he's come to accept it.

So there were a couple reasons why this visit was nice. First of all because of our new occasional bottle method my husband stayed home and watched Hunter so I was able to spend the afternoon out and about with a normal sized purse which was so nice (although by the end of the evening I was wondering if my son was missing me, because I was certainly missing him). Secondly I finally bought a couple of new bras to replace my second set (I had long ago grown out of the first set which were bigger then my originals) So here I am trying to buy some new bras, I have to go to the maternity store because Victoria's Secret doesn't sell nursing bras (apparently nursing mother's don't need to feel sexy) and the one style of bra at the maternity store which is sort of cute doesn't come in the size I need (I guess if your boobs are huge you also don't need cute bras that make you feel pretty). So after trying on several different styles and sizes I buy two plane nude colored size E. That's right I said E, and there's not a lot of growing room either, and as far as I could tell E was the biggest they carried what happens if they get bigger!!!! How big can they get?! I'll have to start using parachutes to hold these babies in.

After that traumatic experience my friend and I decided to get some dinner. We eat and have a really nice time, after I call home to make sure that the babies all right. Then after dinner we stop at a couple of other places and head home. We walk in the house and my friend says to me "where are your bras?" Crap, I left them at the restaurant!! Now if you've been following my blogs you'll remember how I forgot the coupon, locked the keys in the house and who knows how many other my-brain-is-shot type things. I call up the restaurant and the guy I'm talking to is asking me all kinds of things, "what kind of package? What store was it from again?" I didn't feel like telling him that it was giant bras of the kind that would be too big for Pamela Anderson. So back into the wintry night we go, to the restaurant where everyone keeps asking me when I'm due because I'm there to pick up a bag from the maternity store, I finally start making up a date, since I get sick of telling perfect strangers that I'm not actually pregnant anymore just my boobs are out of control.

I asked another mom if they would shrink back down to their original size once I was done breast feeding. She said they would but probably not back to their original shape. I was pretty sad about that at first, since my breasts were the one thing on my body that I was happy with pre-baby, but now I'll just be happy to fit into a normal sized shirt again.

Friday, January 19, 2007


So I've been reading the "Girlfriends Guide to the the First Year of Pregnancy" and they have an entire chapter on weight. I found it to be very insightful and a relief. She said not to force yourself into exercising until around month five (which was great considering it's been snowing nonstop). She also said that you would loose most of the weight up to the last ten pounds naturally and not to expect to loose what took nine month to gain in such a sort time. So after reading that I felt such relief she did of course talk about nutrition.

Now don't let me lead you into believing that I have given up sweets completely, I haven't but I've really cut back. I've been eating whole grains, and fruit, trying to up my protein and drinking lots of fluids. So you can imagine how I was looking forward to weighing myself and seeing that little needle drop especially since I was sick and hardly ate anything last week. You can also imagine my horror when according the scale I had gained five pounds!! Seriously is that even possible?! I mean how is that possible!!!

After a good cry, well I've been crying most of the day, but after crying I came to some conclusions. Either A, this is my dream, my scale is broken and I've actually dropped ten pounds. B, I've got some medical problem and my body is just putting on tons of weight. C, I can't even talk about this option, whenever I think about it I cry. Or finally C I'm just a fatty fat fat, which is what I've been calling myself in my head all day.

I'm not sure what to do, I know I can drop out the rest of my sugar (I mean try I don't have the greatest will power, which could explain option C) but even still I don't think I'm eating that bad. I'll start exercising as soon as it gets a little warmer and my nose stopps running. But seriously what is going on, it's hard not to feel completely hopeless, I'm getting dangerously close to that 200 mark and I think I may have to kill myself if I get there.

I talked to my Grammy and that did help, she prayed with me and that helped too, but well I don't want to end up thirty and so overweight I can never conquer it, and I have to give up bathing suits all together. Any way wish me luck.

Thursday, January 18, 2007


Before I get to the real point of my entry today I would like to vent about the sleeping habits, or lack there of for my almost four month old. Ever since he was brand new he would sleep 3-4 hours at a stretch during the night and sometimes if we were really lucky five. As annoying as getting up to anything less then eight is to someone like me it was dooable. Now all of a sudden he's decided he can only go two hours without waking up. Now before you start giving me your expert advice let me just say, I let him cry during the day and make sure he has time on the floor to stretch his limbs. He stays awake most of the evening and also gets a bath before bed. During the day he'll go 2.5-3 hours between feedings and sometimes his afternoon nap will even be 3-4 hours long. He goes down at night easy as pie... for two hours when he decides he's starving but will only eat four ounces leaving him starving again in a couple of hours. I'm not sure if he doesn't like the formula or he's just being extremely difficult, but I don't know how much more I can take. He's suppose to be sleeping longer not less, and babies on formula supposedly can go longer!!

Now the real point of my entry today is about siblings. Today is my youngest sister's birthday, she's twenty which my husband likes to point out means that when she's my age I'll be thirty. I pointed out that I could make his life miserable and beat the crap out of him. Brian and I can't imagine having another child what with all the crying and eating it seems near impossible, and right now Brian's saying he really just wants one kid. I think that means he's in the midst of baby and can't imagine more then one but I'm in no hurry to have another one right now any way so we'll just see.

It's easy to imagine my life with one child, I love him so much. I can see how it would be easier to devote my self to his growth and development. It's kind of fun to think of my family like the three muskateers, a little triangle full of love and fun, but then I think about my sister (and those boxes of girl clothes I have in the basement) and I wonder if that's what I want for him. My sisters are great and I'm not just saying that because it's Heather's birthday I really mean it. We had our fights when we were growing up (although not as much as some) but now that we're older they're my friends. We have a lot of fun together and if we could just live close together it would be awesome. Siblings teach you so many things about life starting with sharing and on down to devotion and protection and love.

I loved being the oldest getting to watch my sisters grow and become mature adults was so cool. Walking Heather to school when she was little with her little mittened hand in my pocket will always be one of my best memories. Remembering staying up late with Courtney talking about boys and laughing until Dad came in all eyebrows will always make me smile. Christmas wouldn't have been as great as it was if I didn't have two people to stay up with late so excited we couldn't sleep, and just as excited about my presents as I was.

When we moved to Coldwater we weren't living in our house yet (it was being remodeled) but we put a tree up anyway and the three of us slept on the floor in Courtney's future room, with the big ugly yellow flowers on the wall and that wierd empty house smell. It was great! Now that would not have been totally awesome if they weren't there.

I think siblings are important, I know mine are. They're not only great sisters there great Aunts. If I had been an only child my life would have been a lot more dull but what about Hunter he would be missing out on so much; noisy and messy toys (the kind no parent in their right mind would buy for their own child) sleep overs with his cousins, movies and late night snacks before they have children of their own and know better, and mostly love.

I thank God for my siblings, when I look back on our lives together my heart just swells. I want that for Hunter I just hope he's as blessed as I am.

P.S. Just because I think siblings are a good idea in no way means I'm pregnant or am planning on getting pregnant any time soon, so don't get your hopes up mom and Grammy. My body and my sanity needs rest.

P.S.S. Happy Birthday Heather, I wish I could be there with you to celebrate you bring so much joy to our lives!!!!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Thank You Notes

I cleaned my office yesterday, which was a real accomplishment since that's the room where everything gets thrown when we have company and the room with all of the paper build up. I can usually get to cleaning about one room every couple of days which would work out well except by the end of the week where ever I started has already cluttered up again. I know that if I was really dedicated I would be able to keep up with it (you know the old put things away when your done with them routine) but somehow I just can't quite catch on.

Anyway, when I was cleaning the office I found all of my old Thank you notes that needed to be written for all of the baby showers. Now I advize that as quickly as you can get those thank you notes in the mail box after your showers don't wait around. In my case I had every intention of getting them done before Hunter came, and I did have a lot of them written, but he came three weeks early and those thank you notes have been nothing but a thorn in my side ever since. I knew they were here and I had this horrible sense of shame pushing me to get them done, but like I said before I can't even keep one room in my house clean... so I finally threw them away. I know this may sound shocking and scandalous to some of you but since becoming a mother I've realized I have to give myself permission to slack off somewhere. I can't do it all, and I'd rather spend time cooing at my son, then writing notes for something that happened months and months ago.

Please don't misunderstand me I am extremely grateful for all of the gifts, I had no idea babies cost so much and required so many things. And it was wonderful seeing my family and friends, knowing that they were there for me and excited about my baby too. All of it was so nice, but I can't keep up with everything and I've decided to let this go. I will confess that when I threw them in the trash bag, it was like this huge weight off my shoulders and I actually got this sick pleasure hearing all those old cards hit the bottom of the bag with a thwoosh!

So to any one who reads this and never recieved a thank you note from me, thank you I apprieciate so much your love and carring, please know it was taken to heart, and I ask you to forgive me for not having the energy to get those cute little notes out to the mailbox. For those of you who may read this and are expecting or are struggling to get your thank you notes written let me be the one to give you permission to not do it. Remember there are other things that are more important in your life right now, and will be for eighteen years, if not forever. You won't be able to do everything so give yourself permission to be ok with that, I have, well at least I'm working towards being ok with that. And let me tell you it's nice being able to look into the face of my son and know in my heart that those notes don't matter all that much.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Locked out of the House

Today was a day of a great many mishaps. It's Brian's day off so, like always we decided to do our banking and grocery shopping. As we pulled into the meijer's parking lot I realized that I had forgotten a valuable coupon so back to the house we go, where I discover that I must have thrown the coupon out by accident. So after all of that we come home with our groceries and one hungry baby wailing in the back seat to find out that when I had run into the house to get the coupon I left locking the keys in the house!!!

Luckily our neighbor was home so we could call the lock smith ($50 buks down the drain). On our shopping journey we bought batteries for the baby swing, which is a must have since it totally sooths him but can you guess we bought the wrong size batteries. AAAHHHH!!!! And wouldn't you know it through it all my husband was as gracious as could be. He never got mad (though perhaps a little annoyed) and he didnt' make me feel bad. He's an extremely good man that's for sure.

He's an amazing husband, he actually gets up and feeds the baby in the middle of the night so I can get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. He watches the baby so I can get a nap, changes diapers, does dishes, and anything else if I ask. He still wants to have sex with me even though my body looks like something from a horror film, and tells me I'm beautiful (I think he may even believe what he's saying).

He's a good father too. I'm not sure I've ever seen this side of him. The way he talks to Hunter and the way he looks at him when he's holding him. I can tell he adores the little guy and doesn't seem to mind that our lives have been turned upside down. Hunter is his son in every way and my heart grows so much bigger when I watch the two of them together (the way Hunter looks so interested in everything his dad does). Having a child can make or break you as a couple and so far I've felt closer to my husband and have so much more respect for him. I'll always hold in my heart the way Brian talks to Hunter when I hand him over at 6am to go back to bed, or the way they look together sleeping on the couch. I'm one lucky person that's for sure. I suppose the real phrase is one blessed person.

Monday, January 15, 2007

The Good Days

I would like to begin by saying since I started this journal of my expeiriences into house wiving I've tried to keep it real and honest and since it seems you do journaling when your frustrated and upset I'm sure it comes off sounding much more depressed then it does joyful, which is why I would like to make sure and talk about the wonderful things as well as the struggles.

So far today has been a good day, I broke down and went to the doctor and got on an antibiotic which seems to be helping already, and that makes a huge difference when you almost feel like a human. Also Hunter, who for the last couple of days has been very fussy, (going through nanny withdrawl is what I like to call it, since his Grandma was just here and rarely puts him down, I don't blame her either; he's so darn cute and she doesn't get to see him that often) has decided to become charming overnight. He spent the morning gurgling and cooing at me, on the floor where he could stretch out. I spent the morning trying to get him say the pheonem "ma", which accoding to the internet he could say anytime. Whenever I would say "ma" he would smile at me, like I was so silly and he would never say anything that funny.

The entire thing was so darn cute I could barely stand it, and I felt my heart melting away. It's amazing isn't it how something so small, and something that hasn't even been in your life that long can completely catch your soul? I mean I've always understood the concept of unconditional love, but not from this side of it. My Dad and I used to play this game where I would say "I love you Dad" and he would say "I love you more" which would go on for a while until he said, "I've loved you longer" and now I find out there was no arguing with that and he was right all along.

Strange how your own child can show you how much your parents love you. I mean I've always known they love me but now I understand what kind of love it is. It isn't mutual; let me explain, I love them so much, but I didn't realize that I loved them differently then they love me. I never knew how pure and how much their love is. I am so grateful for them, and my understanding and respect for them is so much now that I've experienced mine towards my son. Wierd, though, I don't feel like I deserve anything close to what I feel for Hunter, but I suppose that is the true explanation of "unconditional".

Thanks mom and dad, please know I love you so much, but I doubt I love you as much as you love me, after all you have loved me longer, and when I couldn't love you back at all.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Am I a Bad Mother?

Well I'm sitting here wondering am I a bad mother? I've been sick since thanksgiving and when I go to pump for the babie's night bottle I'm lucky if I get three ounces. On top of that the babie's going through a growth spurt and eating a lot more often so there is less and less time for my boobs to fill back up, which leaves him not completely full and pretty upset. What all of this means is that instead of my wonderful husband getting up with the baby in the night I have to get up to feed him instead which leaves me extremely tired making it even harder to get over the colds I have and easier to catch the next one that walks through my door. So I broke down and bought some formula.

Now believe me I am not giving up on the breast feeding I've read enough literature to know how good it is for him, and I've tried to be dedicated to the "no formula ever" school of thought but I feel like I'm in some kind of wierd catch twenty two. I should also be honest and let you all know that my being sick isn't the only reason for my betrayel; I came to the point where I realized something had to give.

I was in the shower, (one of the three I've taken this week) and I was wondering why I've been so sick, and why when I'm not sick have I been so blue? I sort of came to the realization that my life is out of balance. I've already talked about feeling trapped and left out of so many fun things because I have to rush home to feed my baby, but there are other things as well. I can count the number of times my husband and I have made love since Hunter's birth on one hand, and it's not from lack of wanting too it's just we're either exhausted, have company, or are sick, not to mention my deep seated fear of becomming pregnant again. Unless my parents are visiting I don't have a lot of outside contact, I mean I'm really lacking in girl friends and the lunches and chit chats that entails. I haven't done a devotion in months and my trumpet has so much dust on it, I can right messages to my husband.

I guess what I'm getting at is something had to give. I love my son, and my husband is so amazing at helping out but he gets to leave every day and go to work, I get to stay at home and sometimes I get to stay at home for days. The formula makes it so I can give up pumping everyday, which takes up a lot of time, and now if someone asks us to go to lunch with them after Church I can go without worrying about exposing my self in public. Maybe my husband and I can actually go on a date.

I don't care if some people think that this makes me less then a perfect mother, I failed at that already any way. It took me three months to figure it out but I think it's more important for my son to have a mother that is emotionally as well as physically healthy. While I want to do everything in my power to give him the very best, I also want to make it to his first birthday in one piece. And if that means the occasional bottle of formula well then I guess it won't kill him.

Friday, January 12, 2007

breast feeding


I had a pretty easy pregnancy, it really wasn't until the last month that I got really uncomfortable. Luckily for me my water broke three weeks early and after a few scares during and right after delivery we became parents to the most adorable baby boy I've ever seen. Seriously people stop us in the store to look at him.

Now I was determined to breast feed, but I had no clue how hard it was going to be. Even now three months later I find that I'm still a little sore. While we're talking about breast feeding I would like to bring to everyone's attention the lies that I have discovered in the books and the from the experts. "Breast fed babies don't get constipated and won't have gas" huge lie, my sweet tiny baby has man farts, I'm serious they are as loud as his fathers! "Breast fed babies won't get sick" as I write this my poor little guy has a cold that we just seem to be passing back and forth. "Your breasts will only be sore for a while, and if they hurt your doing something wrong." I have been to all different kinds of lactation specialists and while some of thier advice was good, some of it also made it worse and I still have sore nipples.

The books said that it was more convenient to breast feed, no bottles, perfect temperature every time, and your boobs are always with you. Those things are true but unless you're extremely liberated your not going to whip your boob out in the middle of steak and shake, or while your scouring the racks at your favorite department store. Therefore, I find that I'm always searching for a place to feed him, or worried that if I don't gulp down my food he'll wake up and want to eat and then I'll have to try to pay the waitress before dessert while other customers glare at me and my screaming "angel". I've fed him in the car, in bathrooms, practically anywhere you can get some privacy.

I can't just "go" anymore. My husband gets to take the youth group out for pizza but I know that my darling is going to wake up and need to eat so I have to go home to my jealous dog and empty fridge since I haven't had time to grocery shop in weeks. Don't get me wrong I know it's what's best for him and I'm still committed to the breast feeding but in my perfect picture of what being a house wife would be I never imagined that I could feel so trapped. It's winter here and there are days when I don't even go outside. There have been days when I do nothing but cry and believe me I'm counting down the days to when I can start to add in solids.

Monday, January 8, 2007

the fifties

I went to college and got one of those degrees where if you don't get your masters it's about as good as a liberal arts degree and your job options have little to do with all of that blood and sweat you put into your papers. After I got married I spent a few years in the unfulfilling role as "administrative assistant". Apparently I can only handle having to keep track of one man's schedule, my husband's, because after only a few long months of playing solitare on my computer and mindlessly re-reading news letters I wanted to scream "get you own damn coffee!!".

So when my husband got a new job and I found out I was pregnant we figured it was time for me to stay at home and become, gulp, a "house wife". I wasn't sad to leave the work force and was actually pretty excited to become (insert super hero music), the most amazing home engineer this side of the mississippi.

My Grammy had six children plus fostered who knows how many others, my mom had three and didn't get a job outside of the home untill we were all in school. They're both known for their hospitality and cooking skills and there is never a single thing out of place at my mom's house so I figured hey if they could do it with multiple children I could certainly do it with a smaller house and only one child.

I have this love of the 1950's, the warm homes, home made meals, and checkerd aprons. It just seems so wholesome and right you know, the mom with home baked cookies waiting for her kids after school. That is how I envisioned my life as a stay-at-home mom. Now I am sure that those of you who are already at home with your kids or are in the midst of that infant stage, are laughing you heads off; I'm glad someone is...