I Am Not Pregnant!

1-2-07
In my pre-pregnancy life my body was very very regular. I mean I started my period the day I turned twelve and never missed a month, never came a day late or a day early so you can see how if I missed one completely I would know somethings up. About a month and a half ago I became fertile again. Well at that time I was still nursing, but soon after Hunter weened himself so now I can go back on the pill. When you start birth control you're suppose to take it the sunday after you start your period. So we go on vacation I can't start the pill yet and well we never did find a form of birth control that worked for us and you can't be completely relaxed on vacation with out a little lovin.

So now it's been well past a month since my last period and I'm thinking "holy crap I can't believe I'm pregnant!!" how ironic, unfair, scary. I was in shock and just freaking out there were so many reasons why this was bad but then I made myself sit down and think of some things that could be good about it. I would get all the baby stuff over at once, I mean it would be nice to get everything done with at once the night feedings the diapers the clutter, it would be nice to be able to purge everything at once, to know that they're ready for new things and trips and experiences at once. Heck we're already tired lets just keep it going for another year or so. There would be no waiting for the younger one to be "old enough". I've already started changing into a healthier life style so I would get done with the pregnancy already programed to loose the weight. I wouldn't have that "I lost all this weight and now I want another baby" dilemma.

And of course it would solve Brian and I's problem of never wanting to make a big decision. "Should we have another baby or not?" there you go decision made. Brian could get a vasectomy and we never have to worry about birth control again.

So I buy a test nervously take it, and wait. The last time I took a test (for Hunter) it came back in an instant. So imagine my surprise when nothing happens. I think weird I'm 99.9% sure I'm pregnant but we'll see it come up in three minutes. And nothing just a big negative sign.

It took me by such surprise and I've been living the last week "knowing" I was pregnant that my first response was disappointment. Then utter relief and peace washed over me. To celebrate we had brownie sundaes for dinner.

salad

5-29-07
Hey I know I promised more on Disney world with pictures and everything, but I've been gardening and haven't gotten the pictures developed yet. I promise they're on the way.

So I've been trying to get healthier I figured instead of complaining and worrying about my weight I should get off my fat duff and do something about it (both figuratively and literally). I'd already started walking and when I was in Florida my dad and I ran two miles (well slowly jogged would be a better term). I couldn't believe it, I mean it was so encouraging I thought for sure that was well beyond me. So now I get up four to five times a week, when Brian is still home and it's cool outside and go for a jog. I'm still walking with Beki, and I started gardening (which burn about as many calories as a brisk walk so get outside and pull some weeds).

I've always loved exercising and getting that back into my life is easier then going super strict with the food, because as I've gushed so many times before I do love my food. I'm watching that too though; at lean cuisines website you can set up an account and enter your food and exercise and they keep track of carbs cals fat, etc. and how many calories you burned (which is always fun to see). This has helped me stay on top of what I'm eating, and since it's like a game I have an easier time being good through out the day. They also told me how many calories I should take in a day to loose weight in a healthy manner. It seems like now I can eat more it's just healthier food, what a load off my mind not to be freaking out every time I open the fridge. Also it requires no counting on my part they do all the math.

A friend also turned me onto this web-site called hungry-girl.com. It's a really neat website with info and cool recipes that mimic things you crave (like pie and restaurant food) It's also fun looking. It gave me an idea for a low fat/carb cookies and cream pie (which was very yummy by the way).

I totally sound like a commercial: "since I joined blog diet I've lost half a pound and can tie my own shoes, I couldn't be happier!!" There is one thing that really buggs me about diet experts (well probably way more then one, but I'm trying to be a positive person so one it is). They always say to eat salad but to leave off the dressing!! Yuck!!! Who eats salad with no dressing? The dressing is the only thing that makes the salad worth eating at all. If you leave off the dressing you may as well take a bag of crutons into the back yard pour them on the ground and start grazing!!! Not to mention the fact that they've actually done studies and the fat in dressing helps your body absorb the nutrients from the lettuce (that is not a lie I read it in that "what to expect when your expecting" book). Well that is my rant for today, if you like to eat your salad with no dressing please leave me a comment I would love to hear from you and if your like me pour on the "nature valley", and
"Newmans own" and enjoy a cool summer lunch.

It's been too long

5-26-07
I'm sorry it's been so long, way way too long. In my defense we were getting ready for a vacation which included sewing some clothes, and of course who wants to come home to a dirty house so I had to clean (which seems ridiculous since when we came home it was like instant mess.

So in the time we've been away Hunter has changed so much! I can't believe it, I mean I feel like I can't even blink. He's gone from barely rolling over to rolling all over the room from lifting his head up to skooching. I put him on the floor in the kitchen and barely a minute later I looked down and he was laying next to my foot smiling at me. It was so cute.

And did I tell you he weened himself? It's funny because a few months ago I was like I've had it, I'm done with this. And then we cut back to only nursing twice a day so it wasn't such a big deal. Then one day he pushed me away, I tried again and he pushed me away again. I was so surprised that I cried, I think I said through tears "I thought I was ready but I guess I wasn't" It makes me smile now and I know with all the stuff we have going on it will be so much easier.

On vacation Hunter started saying "na na na na" which brings his vocab up to da, na, hey, hi, and ok. But I was a little miffed that he said nanny before "ma" I mean I'm the one that does all the hard work. It was worth it to see my mom's face light up, and he's smart I mean I don't know that he gets the concept that Na is my mom but he knows that if he calls it out when he's upset she'll come get him.

So any way yesterday he started saying "ma" I was so excited. I didn't know I could get excited about anything like that. We squealed and clapped and then danced to the YMCA.

Mrs. Cleaver

4-16-07
My mom was here visiting last week, which was really nice. However, when she leaves Hunter is always a little fussy for a day or two, he doesn't understand why I can't carry him around 24/7, or why he should have to nap in his crib things like that, but to make it worse this time he caught a cold at the same time she left. I'm talking the entire thing runny nose achy body, so he's having a hard time sleeping at night and is generally fussing if not screaming the entire day.

Friday night was horrible he was up every half hour, then Saturday he screamed all day long, finally I went and found some infant cold medicine so he slept better. Sunday I have to stay home with him because of course it's Brian's job to be at church (lucky bastard) he's late coming home from both Sunday morning service and youth group. I tell ya, I was so tired I haven't slept so hard in months (beside of course the couple times I had to get up with the boy in the night). When Brian came in to wake me up so he could get ready for work I wanted to punch him in the face. As soon as he hands the baby off Hunter starts crying; ahhhhh!! (that's my frustrations not the baby his would be followed by several more explanation marks.)

He's sleeping right now, and I feel so frustrated and angry not with my son or husband but with myself. I mean in my mind I've always wanted to be the mother and wife from It's a Wonderful Wife. Supportive no matter what, kind, gentle but firm, resourceful, beautiful and thin even after like four or five children. And here my child is sick can't tell me what's wrong and I just feel like crawling back under the covers with my fingers stuffed in my ears. I feel so sad for my son, and worried too, but mostly my head is pounding from the screaming and I can't think straight through all the noise. How horrible is that? I wake up with this feeling of dread because I don't know how much more I can take. I want to scoop Hunter up in my arms snuggle with him and tell him it's going to be all right but he just pushes me away and looks at me with that pathetic face before he launches into his next crying fit.

I can tell you one thing though, I'd like to slap the person that said "Breast fed babies don't get sick" (to be read with a sickening sweet voice). Mine does and maybe it would be worse if he wasn't but good lord you shouldn't lure people into this idea that a sick unhappy screaming baby and a whiny dog weren't going to part of being a mother. And that is part of it isn't it, being a mother I just wish I could handle it with more grace. It tears me up inside knowing that he doesn't feel good, and in my head I know it won't last forever but one hour of screaming feels like an entire normal day. He's such a sweet beautiful baby I just feel like he deserves so much more then I've been able to offer him.

My Husband

3-26-07
My poor husband, last night I came down with the flu which means that not only was he awoken four times through out the night but that today he was in charge of the baby, and me. He is such a good man, when I watch him with our son I just can't believe how lucky I am.

About a month ago in church Brian was in charge of prayer time and he asked the congregation to shout out something that they were thankful for (which didn't go as well as planned), and as loud as he could as if he was holding Hunter up for the world to see he yelled "My Son!" he looked so proud full of pure joy. I hope I remember that all of my life the way he beamed. At that moment I knew that I couldn't be richer if I had all of the money in the world.

That will probably be one of those moments. It seems like I've been having those lately, yesterday was so warm and I don't mean spring-is-finally-here-warm I mean middle of summer warm. In the evening we took Hunter out into the back yard and he and I lay on a blanket staring up at the blue sky (which I swear is not near as blue as my son's eyes) babbling to each other Brian and the dog playing catch. It's weird realizing that that was my son's first real moments outside, not all covered up being whisked from home to car. All the other places Brian and I have lived have seemed like a stop along the way, but yesterday the four of us in our back yard, it just felt like home, and like our entire lives are in front of us. Perfect; a perfect moment. And then today just a little while ago I was doing the supper dishes in my tiny little kitchen with all the windows open the evening sun drifting into the room. My baby cooing at my husband in the other room. When one of those just-before-the-storm breezes blew threw my perfect little window, and then it started raining huge summer drops of water. I took in that wonderful rain-on-hot-pavement smell, and man life is good!

I wondered right there if this was one of those times that I'll always remember, how many of these will I remember? I suppose that's why you write things down and why you thank God no matter what, because his blessings are good even when they're not constant.

I've Been Day Dreaming

3-2-07

It's March and it's snowing again, sigh! However, there were a couple of days this week when it was warm enough to get outside. While I was walking the dog I went past a really cute house a couple of blocks away that's for sale. It just got me day dreaming about my sister Courtney moving back to Michigan. I really do want what's best for her and her husband and if they move to Maryland I'll be happy for them. But I can't help but dream about her living within walking distance. I picture myself pushing Hunter in the jogging stroller over with some fresh baked cookies for uncle Justin, or Hunter riding his tricycle me and scout coming up behind with beach towels and sunscreen to go swimming in the pool. Cool summer evening walks with my sister so we can talk and laugh. Dinners and parties, I just can't help but think about how nice it would be for Hunter to grow up with cousins close and an Aunt and Uncle to spend the night with.

Hunter's doing better and better with the spoon feeding. I read up on it online and found out I'm bending the rules a little by adding apple sauce but oh well. Brian is gone for the weekend which always leaves me feeling weird, like I'm a little lost with out him. My friend Megan is coming to stay with me so I won't be alone which is super comforting especially if something were to happen, but it's not the same as my husband. I used to almost look forward to being home alone every once in a while. I could do what I wanted, eat when and what I wanted do super cleaning and organizing, but now with a baby it's different. Any way what I was going to say was that since Brian won't be getting up with him for the next couple of days I think this would be a perfect time for Hunter to finally sleep through the night, or at least longer then he has been.

The Boy Who Loves Me

3-1-07
Well I know it's been a while but the computer always seems to be with Brian when I have the spare moments and home when I'm busy. I'm not sure what I've talked about recently if I repeat myself excuse me.

Hunter does this thing now that is just so darn endearing that I sometimes lay in bed at night and smile just thinking about it. When any one is holding him and I walk by he leans out of there arms and towards me. If I don't take him right away he'll give this really cute smile like "mom I'm over here come on pick me up I like you more then any one else" and if I keep ignoring him then he'll do this very pathetic pouty lip fake cry that just melts my heart. Brian's a good sport and just laughs, he thinks it's funny and I know that there will soon come a day when Hunter will think of Brian as the coolest person in the world and I'll just be the mom who he sees all the time. So I'm enjoying this adoration while it's there.

Hunter has gone from an hour of pre-nap crying to forty five minutes to thirty to ten to now he doesn't cry at all. I change his diaper read him a story and then put him down. Sometimes he'll talk to himself for a while but he falls right to sleep and doesn't fight me. I know it's silly but I know that this is the one thing that I taught him or trained him to do my self. And if I can do this then I feel like I'll be able to handle all the parenting things that come along (at least pre-teen). I mean it's stupid that something as simple as nap time can make me feel like I am a mom and I'm not such a disaster, like "this is my boy I am his mother, no one else is, and no one can take it from me."

Because of this new found confidence I decided to start training him to eat cereal with a spoon. I just can't keep up with the feedings, every hour and a half now. He doesn't love the taste so I've been mixing it with a little no sugar added applesauce. The first couple of times were so messy!! I had cereal all over my robe, hair and face (he's just discovered lips and faces and is always patting my cheeks; isn't that the most adorable thing you've ever heard) he had it on his eye lids, clothes, hands, up his nose, it was crazy. And of course when I would put him in his high chair he acted like it was made out of pins or hot coals so I had to hold him and try my best to feed him with one hand. He's gotten better with the chair and we're both getting better at it so things are a little less messy. The first time I'm not sure if any of it got into his stomach at all, I'm pretty confident that some of it is getting into his gullet now. My biggest question is how much should I feed him, he's pretty good at letting me know when he's full but sometimes we finish and he hasn't told me he's done yet. I guess I should make more and see what happens. Also how many times a day do you do it? I've been feeding him twice a day, I mean I don't want to over load his system. Any suggestions?

Well, we're still waiting for that sleep through the night thing to happen but I do feel like I've gotten a lot of my energy back so that's good.