Mrs. Cleaver

4-16-07
My mom was here visiting last week, which was really nice. However, when she leaves Hunter is always a little fussy for a day or two, he doesn't understand why I can't carry him around 24/7, or why he should have to nap in his crib things like that, but to make it worse this time he caught a cold at the same time she left. I'm talking the entire thing runny nose achy body, so he's having a hard time sleeping at night and is generally fussing if not screaming the entire day.

Friday night was horrible he was up every half hour, then Saturday he screamed all day long, finally I went and found some infant cold medicine so he slept better. Sunday I have to stay home with him because of course it's Brian's job to be at church (lucky bastard) he's late coming home from both Sunday morning service and youth group. I tell ya, I was so tired I haven't slept so hard in months (beside of course the couple times I had to get up with the boy in the night). When Brian came in to wake me up so he could get ready for work I wanted to punch him in the face. As soon as he hands the baby off Hunter starts crying; ahhhhh!! (that's my frustrations not the baby his would be followed by several more explanation marks.)

He's sleeping right now, and I feel so frustrated and angry not with my son or husband but with myself. I mean in my mind I've always wanted to be the mother and wife from It's a Wonderful Wife. Supportive no matter what, kind, gentle but firm, resourceful, beautiful and thin even after like four or five children. And here my child is sick can't tell me what's wrong and I just feel like crawling back under the covers with my fingers stuffed in my ears. I feel so sad for my son, and worried too, but mostly my head is pounding from the screaming and I can't think straight through all the noise. How horrible is that? I wake up with this feeling of dread because I don't know how much more I can take. I want to scoop Hunter up in my arms snuggle with him and tell him it's going to be all right but he just pushes me away and looks at me with that pathetic face before he launches into his next crying fit.

I can tell you one thing though, I'd like to slap the person that said "Breast fed babies don't get sick" (to be read with a sickening sweet voice). Mine does and maybe it would be worse if he wasn't but good lord you shouldn't lure people into this idea that a sick unhappy screaming baby and a whiny dog weren't going to part of being a mother. And that is part of it isn't it, being a mother I just wish I could handle it with more grace. It tears me up inside knowing that he doesn't feel good, and in my head I know it won't last forever but one hour of screaming feels like an entire normal day. He's such a sweet beautiful baby I just feel like he deserves so much more then I've been able to offer him.

My Husband

3-26-07
My poor husband, last night I came down with the flu which means that not only was he awoken four times through out the night but that today he was in charge of the baby, and me. He is such a good man, when I watch him with our son I just can't believe how lucky I am.

About a month ago in church Brian was in charge of prayer time and he asked the congregation to shout out something that they were thankful for (which didn't go as well as planned), and as loud as he could as if he was holding Hunter up for the world to see he yelled "My Son!" he looked so proud full of pure joy. I hope I remember that all of my life the way he beamed. At that moment I knew that I couldn't be richer if I had all of the money in the world.

That will probably be one of those moments. It seems like I've been having those lately, yesterday was so warm and I don't mean spring-is-finally-here-warm I mean middle of summer warm. In the evening we took Hunter out into the back yard and he and I lay on a blanket staring up at the blue sky (which I swear is not near as blue as my son's eyes) babbling to each other Brian and the dog playing catch. It's weird realizing that that was my son's first real moments outside, not all covered up being whisked from home to car. All the other places Brian and I have lived have seemed like a stop along the way, but yesterday the four of us in our back yard, it just felt like home, and like our entire lives are in front of us. Perfect; a perfect moment. And then today just a little while ago I was doing the supper dishes in my tiny little kitchen with all the windows open the evening sun drifting into the room. My baby cooing at my husband in the other room. When one of those just-before-the-storm breezes blew threw my perfect little window, and then it started raining huge summer drops of water. I took in that wonderful rain-on-hot-pavement smell, and man life is good!

I wondered right there if this was one of those times that I'll always remember, how many of these will I remember? I suppose that's why you write things down and why you thank God no matter what, because his blessings are good even when they're not constant.

I've Been Day Dreaming

3-2-07

It's March and it's snowing again, sigh! However, there were a couple of days this week when it was warm enough to get outside. While I was walking the dog I went past a really cute house a couple of blocks away that's for sale. It just got me day dreaming about my sister Courtney moving back to Michigan. I really do want what's best for her and her husband and if they move to Maryland I'll be happy for them. But I can't help but dream about her living within walking distance. I picture myself pushing Hunter in the jogging stroller over with some fresh baked cookies for uncle Justin, or Hunter riding his tricycle me and scout coming up behind with beach towels and sunscreen to go swimming in the pool. Cool summer evening walks with my sister so we can talk and laugh. Dinners and parties, I just can't help but think about how nice it would be for Hunter to grow up with cousins close and an Aunt and Uncle to spend the night with.

Hunter's doing better and better with the spoon feeding. I read up on it online and found out I'm bending the rules a little by adding apple sauce but oh well. Brian is gone for the weekend which always leaves me feeling weird, like I'm a little lost with out him. My friend Megan is coming to stay with me so I won't be alone which is super comforting especially if something were to happen, but it's not the same as my husband. I used to almost look forward to being home alone every once in a while. I could do what I wanted, eat when and what I wanted do super cleaning and organizing, but now with a baby it's different. Any way what I was going to say was that since Brian won't be getting up with him for the next couple of days I think this would be a perfect time for Hunter to finally sleep through the night, or at least longer then he has been.

The Boy Who Loves Me

3-1-07
Well I know it's been a while but the computer always seems to be with Brian when I have the spare moments and home when I'm busy. I'm not sure what I've talked about recently if I repeat myself excuse me.

Hunter does this thing now that is just so darn endearing that I sometimes lay in bed at night and smile just thinking about it. When any one is holding him and I walk by he leans out of there arms and towards me. If I don't take him right away he'll give this really cute smile like "mom I'm over here come on pick me up I like you more then any one else" and if I keep ignoring him then he'll do this very pathetic pouty lip fake cry that just melts my heart. Brian's a good sport and just laughs, he thinks it's funny and I know that there will soon come a day when Hunter will think of Brian as the coolest person in the world and I'll just be the mom who he sees all the time. So I'm enjoying this adoration while it's there.

Hunter has gone from an hour of pre-nap crying to forty five minutes to thirty to ten to now he doesn't cry at all. I change his diaper read him a story and then put him down. Sometimes he'll talk to himself for a while but he falls right to sleep and doesn't fight me. I know it's silly but I know that this is the one thing that I taught him or trained him to do my self. And if I can do this then I feel like I'll be able to handle all the parenting things that come along (at least pre-teen). I mean it's stupid that something as simple as nap time can make me feel like I am a mom and I'm not such a disaster, like "this is my boy I am his mother, no one else is, and no one can take it from me."

Because of this new found confidence I decided to start training him to eat cereal with a spoon. I just can't keep up with the feedings, every hour and a half now. He doesn't love the taste so I've been mixing it with a little no sugar added applesauce. The first couple of times were so messy!! I had cereal all over my robe, hair and face (he's just discovered lips and faces and is always patting my cheeks; isn't that the most adorable thing you've ever heard) he had it on his eye lids, clothes, hands, up his nose, it was crazy. And of course when I would put him in his high chair he acted like it was made out of pins or hot coals so I had to hold him and try my best to feed him with one hand. He's gotten better with the chair and we're both getting better at it so things are a little less messy. The first time I'm not sure if any of it got into his stomach at all, I'm pretty confident that some of it is getting into his gullet now. My biggest question is how much should I feed him, he's pretty good at letting me know when he's full but sometimes we finish and he hasn't told me he's done yet. I guess I should make more and see what happens. Also how many times a day do you do it? I've been feeding him twice a day, I mean I don't want to over load his system. Any suggestions?

Well, we're still waiting for that sleep through the night thing to happen but I do feel like I've gotten a lot of my energy back so that's good.

I'm a Proud Mama

2-15-07
My entry today will probably be short I don't have a lot on my mind I'm still getting back to normal from our wonderful trip.

I want to announce that Hunter rolled from his back to stomach and then back again, and again. He's been getting close and then all of a sudden today bam while we were watching the Walton's (don't ask, he likes it and it's sort of a sweet show)he flopped over onto his stomach and then practically lifted himself up (like he was soaring) to look around. He's so cute when he lifts up his head to look around. So I called his dad at work, and when he rushed home at lunch Hunter refused to show him. He seemed quite happy to lay on his back and coo, then when his dad left, I am not joking, he rolled over not even five minutes later.

It's exciting how much of an independent person he is already. I mean it almost seems like he's going to open his mouth and tell me an important story. I just can't believe how much of a personality he has.

I've also been trying to get him used to going down for a nap. He goes to bed really well at night but naps are torture (a peek at what may be a stubborn streak in his personality)? So I've been doing the bed training we did at night for nap time but oh my you'd think I was killing him. He'll be sleeping in my arms barely conscious and as soon as I put him in his crib "aaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!" So I'll wait five minutes (glued to my watch) then go in try not to make eye contact and give him back his pacifier, leave wait five more minutes until he finally (in what is literally one second) falls asleep. He'll actually pull his pacifier out of his mouth to keep himself awake. One of the times I went in there he had the most pathetic look on his face with his fist stuffed in his mouth and big old tears, it broke my heart but I knew he was tired the way my mom always knows when I'm tired. We've gone from an hour fight to fall asleep to thirty minutes to now we're at about fifteen.

The Conference

2-13-07

So we just spent the last four days at a youth ministers conference in Indianapolis with Hunter and it went really well. We weren't sure how it would go and were very nervous especially considering that we had to sign up to go when Hunter was only a couple of months old and we weren't sure how he would be.

I told Brian that if I went I would have to be flexible and get what I could get out of the sessions and classes and be ok if I had to leave to feed Hunter or settle him down etc. And I was; I really enjoyed myself it was nice to be somewhere with my family away from it all. Also the classes were great it was nice to have intelligent conversation with other grown ups.

Another thing that was nice was since it was a youth minister's conference there were lots of wives and lots of babies there so I didn't feel funny. During one of the evening sessions I found myself sitting in the lounge with several other women all of us feeding or bouncing our babies while our husbands got to enjoy the speaker in peace. It was cool to talk to other moms in almost the exact situation that I'm in. The worst thing was feeding Hunter, though. Most days I was able to find a quiet out of the way place to feed him, but one day there were cheerleaders and their crazy moms every where. I was forced to feed him with people all over, I did it as tastefully as I could trying my best to keep everything covered, not that Hunter was very helpful. He enjoyed pulling the blanket off moving his head and popping off my boob to look around and screaming intermittently to make sure people were looking. I suppose that I should be fine feeding him any where now.

It's nice to be home now though, Hunter didn't sleep super well at the Hotel it's like he knew it wasn't his room or bed, but I really did enjoy being with my two boys and it just being us. Next year, however, I think we'll leave Hunter with his nanny and maybe put that jacuzzi tub we accidentally got in our room to better use.

A Few Tips I've Picked Up

1-7-07

Not to say that I don't have my hard days and that there aren't things that I struggle with but I four months later I do have some tips for other new moms. Don't be surprised when you feel down or depressed your probably not feeling like yourself yet (I still don't) and you certainly don't look like yourself. That cute hard baby belly you had has been replaced by a lot of flab, loose skin, and stretch marks but I promise the baby is worth it and you have the rest of your life to get back in shape (although I've been told that the stretch marks remain a part of the landscape). Your probably not getting dressed, wearing a bra, or even taking showers. Your tired, happy and sad all at once, you've forgotten that there is a world outside your doors that is still going on and it can be weird trying to integrate yourself into a normal life. In fact I still don't feel I have a normal life so maybe that's something you should get used to.

Here are a few tips that may help you out. Open your curtains. This sounds silly but it made a huge difference to me to let the day light in. It was like oh yea there is an outside I'm not on a lone space ship floating through maternity galaxy. Even if it's gloomy, rainy, or snowy (which it is most of the time if you live in Michigan like I do) It's still day light and on those rare days when it is sunny you want to take advantage of those awesome rays even if it is from the comfort of your living room. Believe me this is one of the biggest things that made me feel human again.

Let the laundry and the dishes go. If it's a choice between doing them and taking a nap take the nap. That way when your husband gets home you may have a little energy to use to talk, which is good you will need grown up conversation believe me. Plus he can help with those tasks, you have the rest of your life to figure out how to do chores and raise a child give yourself a break. I'll still pick a nap over anything even shopping. If a messy house is stressing you out call on some of those people that offered to help. However, if you do this make sure you let them help don't run around the house cleaning before they get there. I felt funny asking for help, then I got really depressed and my Grammy came and helped out. It was incredible after only a couple of days with someone else in the house to talk to, and being able to see the kitchen counters and finding clothes in the draws (I still couldn't fit into them but at least they were there) I felt so much better. If you have a mom or other relatives that live close don't worry about boundaries use their help you can always set guidelines later when you have the energy to cook your own mac n cheese (I was really lucky I didn't need to worry about boundaries my problem was not feeling guilty about asking).

It will be months before you feel like exercising and that is ok, it nine months to put on the weight don't worry about getting it off again until you can laugh with out peeing and your hemorrhoids are gone. If it is warm a short walk may really help you out. I live in Michigan and it's winter so thats out of the question, but the few times I did get to take that stroller out I felt so happy to be in the fresh air it reminds you that you are not trapped in your house.

I know all your grandmas are telling you that it's all right to let the baby cry, and you think it's crazy but guess what they're right. You can go to the rest room it won't kill you precious heart to be left alone for a second. And if your baby is crying whether you hold and sooth him or not he may as well cry in his crib so you can go in the other room and recover your sanity. There was a time when every time my husband and I sat down Hunter would start screaming so we wouldn't get to eat together and neither of us would get to eat in peace. I finally put him in his crib and shut the door, we got to eat dinner (which was good I was running on fumes which makes me hysterical anyway) then ten maybe fifteen minutes later we were done and He was asleep, he was just cranky. A baby swing works a lot better for this and allows you and your baby to be in the same room while you eat dinner and maybe talk to your mate and you probably won't feel as bad. We also decided to "teach" him to sleep in his crib which required a lot of crying but only for like two nights; I'm not saying this is what will work best for you I'm just saying don't feel bad if you want you baby in his own bed and room at night I need my sleep and space and babies are noisy sleepers plus I knew for us it would be easier to deal with it now then when he was two or three.

Definitely borrow or splurge and buy a baby swing they are a God send. Give your baby a pacifier and screw the experts who tell you not to; he'll probably still nurse fine and he'll be a lot happier. It may be easier for you to give your baby a bath in the tub with you or your mate that's all right he'll probably like it better anyway and at least you killed two birds with one stone (his bath and yours). If you need to supplement with a bottle of formula after breast feeding is established so your spouse can get up and do one of the night feedings that is ok. Breast is best, but it's more important to your baby that your sane and one bottle a day is not going to hurt him (it will, however, make his toots and poops very smelly).

If there is a movie you really want to see take him with you; it's dark so you can breast feed if you want and it's loud so he'll probably sleep through the entire thing any way you won't be able to that for long so take advantage of it. And when he's a little older you can leave him with a trusted adult and go out, it's good for you and your relationship. I just did that for the first time and it was nice, wierd but nice. And you can leave your baby with your husband and get out of the house for a couple of hours remember you are still you and your baby needs a mentally healthy you so take a couple of hours to yourself and go buy yourself a couple of shirts that fit. Your husband will be fine and it's good for him to know that you trust him and good for you to have a couple on non-maternity shirts that fit.

I'm still learning and I'll pass anything else on to you, I need to go steal that nap while I can. Remember we're not perfect and learning to take my own advice will be hard but we need to give ourselves room to be human and therefore, happier.

P.S. isn't this picture hilarious, my husband took it yesterday?