Mommy

1-31-07
I'm watching Dahrma and Greg because it's on during the morning and I think it's funny. However, I wanted to blog while the baby is snoozing in his swing so I had to force myself to turn it off. I really have to be careful I have tv-somnia where I can't look away once it's on.

What I want to write today is something that's in my heart recently but it's something that is hard to verbalize let alone write so I hope that it comes out correctly. I love my mom and dad so much, I always have and have always felt so blessed that they're my parents. Since I've had a baby and they've moved things have gotten so complicated. My mom and I have always gotten along well, and I've never had much reason to not do what she says which was good when I was under their care but is weird now that I'm an adult and have lots, well at least some, obligations. The baby and I are going out there in march and I'm really excited (except I am a little nervous about flying alone with the baby but I think it will be fine) and mom is buying the tickets so when she went to get them on line she was looking at me spending close to two weeks out there which would be great if I didn't have the baby or he wasn't a baby and wasn't changing so fast and I didn't have obligations with the Church.

Don't get me wrong I would love to spend two weeks in Maryland, or a month if my husband could be there too, but he can't he's saving all of his vacation for Disney World (which is just so exciting). When I told him the dates he wasn't like "no you can't go" he's not that way at all but he did say it was a long time to be away from the baby. "He's growing so fast" is what he did say "and I don't want to miss anything." That is so sweet and true. So I asked mom if there were a way to shorten the trip, which I think hurt her feelings and that's the last thing I want to do, obviously, (well maybe not the last thing that would probably be getting a tooth pulled). She's thinking she hardly gets to see her grandson and two weeks is nothing compared to living with him. It's this balance that I have a hard time finding; my life here and three people I love so much there. Having to say no to my mom and not feel like a disobedient child but a twenty five year old who loves them so much but loves her husband too.

Sometimes I wish my husband was controlling and would say, this is what you can and can't do. That way if anyone had hurt feelings it wouldn't be my fault. Of course he isn't he even said "do what you think you have to do." which while sweet and supportive isn't at all helpful since I feel like I need to do completely conflicting things. I know that I don't want a controlling husband and I need to step up and be mature but it's so hard because I love all of them so much.

What I really wish is that they hadn't moved. I know it's selfish, but instead of seeing them every few months I could see them every few days. Brian and I have this homework from our home group to do this week and it requires us going out for an hour a lone and answering some questions. They're suppose to live here so that they can watch Hunter, we've had lot's of other people offer to stay with him anytime but it's so awkward actually asking. I want to be able to go jogging with my Daddy and train together for a road race this summer. I have these great recipes I would love to try but they're not here to come over for dinner. I don't think God originally intended for families to live so far apart. We're suppose to learn from each other and support each other. Back in the days before planes and a "mobile society" you always lived close to the ones you loved and then your mom and aunts and Grandmas were there to help you learn how to mother and cook and all that stuff. It would completely solve this entire traveling with a baby and being away-from-your-husband-for-how-long problem.

I know it's selfish and I think that deep down what I really want is for them to be happy, for them to flourish where they are. I just wish it were here.

Sagging

1-30-07
My body isn't the same since I had the baby. I suppose that goes without saying but I didn't know how truly cruel nature could be. It doesn't seem like such a blessing would require such a sacrifice from my poor thighs.

Of course my outward appearance is different, there's the weight, the stretch marks (I have a friend who actually told me that she didn't get any stretch marks during her pregnancy, I'd like to stretch mark her)! The jelly rolls that I haven't seen since I was in elementary school have made their comeback and boy did they decide to comeback with style. I must look different too, before when Brian and I would be teaching a Sunday school class full of high schoolers they really weren't that interested in listening to us. We'd ask them to get into groups and it was like pulling teeth, now I just look at them with this "mom" look that requires a tilted head and raised eyebrows and they move quicker then Lance Armstrong.

It's not just the body, though, my organs are all messed up too. Of course the initial recovery from labor was tough, I had stitches and hemorrhoids the size of a mountain. All my muscles hurt; it felt like I had run a marathon. It's been four months and while most of that has healed my insides are still a little off. I used to laugh when my Mom and aunts would laugh so hard they would pee, but now I totally know why. It's like not just my outsides have sagged but so have my insides. There's this bounce on the inside that matches the jiggle on the outside that never used to be there. I go to the bathroom and after I'm done peeing, it still dribbles out. If I cough or sneeze I have to cross my legs just to be safe. I can't believe I went from a firm young twenty something to a total middle aged mom in nine months!

I know those keegel exercises are suppose to help, and I'm sure they would if I could remember to do them faithfully, but along with my bodies demise my brain has also decided to begin it's descent into oblivion. I'm lucky if I can remember whether or not I brushed my teeth let alone some weird tightening exercise.

Sleep

1-29-07


Yesterday was our first youth Sunday at church and it went pretty well. It was more stressful then it used to be, pre-children, I sang and oh my I felt so chubby and old up there next to those perky teenagers. It didn't help that it snowed really bad in the morning and so they canceled youth Sunday and we all relaxed, then it stopped snowing and they decided to have it after all. Because Brian was preaching and I was helping with the praise team and doing a skit I had to put Hunter in the nursery for the first time. Now I totally trust the women in the nursery they've all been screened by the staff and I know them personally so my nervousness wasn't about them. I kept thinking "what if he cries? what if he thinks I abandoned him?" I know it's ridiculous but when I signed him in and they took him over the counter my heart wanted to jump out of my chest. I wanted to grab him back and tell his father to find someone else to sing; I was too important to Hunter to let him go. Of course he did just fine in the nursery. I suppose he didn't need me as much as I imagined (just a little blow to the ego). As soon as Church was over I practically sprinted to the check-in counter but was stopped several times by well meaning congregants who wanted to tell me how nice the service was. I had to bite my tongue from shouting, "out of my way people I have someone more important to get." and then as I neared the nursery I saw that somehow my husband had beat me to it and was already holding my very satisfied looking son! Can you believe it?! I ran on adrenalin all day and slept so hard.

Speaking of sleep there's good news, I hesitated writing about it before because in the past I've always jinxed myself but I think it may be happening. Three days ago Hunter slept for six hours ate then slept for another four, which was just incredible. The next night he slept for five hours and then a couple after he ate, and last night five hours and three after he ate!! Could it be that we're finally moving into a longer sleep pattern, is the cereal finally helping? He started sleeping more just before his four month mark maybe that's going to be our magic number. Whoo hoo, whatever the reason I am so thankful for the last couple of nights, I really hope it lasts.

Hunter seems warm to me today. Now I've seen enough shows about parents over reacting so I'm trying to be logical and keep a level head. I took his temp under his arm, which was tricky I can't imagine doing it the other way (if you know what I mean). The thermometer read 98.1, and I read on line (the invaluable resource for parents and cooks alike) that an under arm reading can be as much as 1 degree lower then it really is, so at the most he may be running a fever of 99.1, which is like .5 degrees high, which I'm thinking isn't much. Believe me I'll keep an eye on it, and he doesn't seem extra fussy and is eating normal but he is acting a little sleepy. These are the things about parenting that make me so nervous, it makes me wish I had a medical degree or an in-house nurse. I sincerely hope he's not going to start teething, he's already fussy and I can't imagine what a teething Hunter would be like not to mention that breast feeding has been a struggle and if he gets teeth I'm not to sure what will happen to my poor nipples.

Blow Outs

1-25-07
So my goal was to wait until Hunter was four months old to give him cereal, and I almost made it. He will be four months old Sunday, but this past week he's just been acting like he's starving, I just couldn't get him full so I decided what was a few days and I went ahead pumped out some milk added rice cereal and gave it to him before he went to bed. It was amazing he slept for five hours!! I rejoiced seven hours of sleep and I was on cloud nine; It's true what everyone says about solid food hallelujah! The next night I went to bed full of confidence, knowing that I was past the hell stage, and then less then three hours later he awoke hungry and mad.

Seriously I was so disillusioned, and sad. I'm still giving him the cereal hoping that it will work it's magic once more, but I'll tell you what it's hard. And it always seems like I guess it wrong. Last night he was fussy all evening so we gave him his bath and I put him in his swing. He fell asleep and I pumped knowing that he would be up in a couple of hours I stayed up waiting to feed him so of course he sleeps for four hours in a row, all the while I keep thinking, "soon, he'll wake up soon, and if I go to bed now he'll just get up." until finally at midnight I went to bed and he woke up fifteen minutes later, ahhhh!

So anyway, because of the cereal we have begun to experience a whole new experience in pooping. The first post cereal poop change fell to Brian and I was actually disappointed because I wanted to know what it looked like, if only I had known that mine would be coming soon. It still has the same color just a little lumpy and quite a bit more smelly but it suddenly is expelled with huge force. We've had blow-outs I never knew were possible. Just an example of this; during my luncheon we're sitting around talking about gross kid things; I'm holding Hunter who's pretty happy and I look down and there is poop on my hand, on my shirt, my jeans and all up Hunter's back!! I couldn't believe it, I mean the logical part of me was quite amazed the human part of me was a little horrified.

Lunch

1-24-07
Today was the day of my lunch and it was really nice. Being with other moms is fun because you don't have to worry about if your child is bothering them. Our babies were all laying on blankets on the floor and in our laps while we ate. The older kids watched movies and fought with each other. It was really nice to have adult conversation, and in the middle of the day no less, and nice to talk mom talk. Other moms that I've talked to about feedings and emotions and love have been moms a long time it was nice to talk to someone who is right there with me.

I hope it takes off. Back when my Grammy was having kids almost all moms stayed home so it was natural to go to each others homes and chat, now it's unusual and I think we've lost the art of entertaining other women. That easy lunch, the coffee and tea break. We need to find, at least I do, that art again. I need a couple of people to talk with; someone who doesn't make me feel like less of a woman for staying home with my kids, when, for me, I know in my heart it makes me more of a woman. I like that we all cut coupons and spend our days surrounded by gurgles and coos and diapers. It's like coming home; finding other women who made that difficult choice to leave the work force and raise their children even if it meant making financial sacrifices and sacrifices to their careers. Even if it meant "tsks" from women who feel that we're snubbing our noses at all that the women libbers did for us(even though their secretly jealous).

It took me so long to make friends and feel like I belonged at the old church, and I'm excited that I'm getting to know people so much faster now. I keep thinking about the park and the zoo and all the fun we can have once the snow leaves. Like I said before I hope it takes off if nothing more then for my sanity.

On a side note, I made this brownie thing that was amazing, if I do say so myself. It's actually a shame because it certainly won't help me loose any weight. But if your ever in the mood for something shamefully bad for you that's legal contact me for the recipe. Chocolate and sticks of butter AMAZING!!

Mommy's Boy

1-23-07

So today was a good day. Tuesdays are Brian's day off and we had a good time. I cleaned the house (I should say am cleaning, I'm taking a break to watch reruns and write this), because I'm having a luncheon with a couple of moms from my church tomorrow. There is something so liberating about having a clean house, something so freeing vacuuming up all that dog hair. If only I could keep it that way, the office is already full of clutter.

Then we went to the local farmers market type store and it was so fun. I found all of these cool vegetables that they use on food network but I've never actually seen and that just got my creative cooking juices flowing. I'm trying to incorporate more veggies into our diet and it makes it more fun using new ingredients. This store is so cool full of flowers and fancy wines and cheese. So anyway, that was nice, it was good to spend time with my husband.

When we got home I made the soup for my luncheon and dinner, all the while my husband is trying to take care of our son. Hunter won't stop crying, Brian's walking him around the house and every time they come in the kitchen and I hold him he stops crying instantly, and as soon as I give him back to his dad the wailing starts back up. There's a part of me that feels good that I'm the one he wants that I can sooth him when no one else can, the practical part of me knows that it could be stressful in the long term being the only one he wants. Plus I don't want his dad to get stressed out. It could just be a phase, or a sour tummy day, but it is nice knowing that Hunter knows who I am, and knowing that he wants my arms around him.

My New Bra

1-22-07
One of my oldest girlfriends came to visit me this weekend. There is something so sweet about visiting with a friend. The kind you laugh and cry with the kind that you can tell anything, in fact my husband and I have an understanding that I will most likely tell this friend everything, he's come to accept it.

So there were a couple reasons why this visit was nice. First of all because of our new occasional bottle method my husband stayed home and watched Hunter so I was able to spend the afternoon out and about with a normal sized purse which was so nice (although by the end of the evening I was wondering if my son was missing me, because I was certainly missing him). Secondly I finally bought a couple of new bras to replace my second set (I had long ago grown out of the first set which were bigger then my originals) So here I am trying to buy some new bras, I have to go to the maternity store because Victoria's Secret doesn't sell nursing bras (apparently nursing mother's don't need to feel sexy) and the one style of bra at the maternity store which is sort of cute doesn't come in the size I need (I guess if your boobs are huge you also don't need cute bras that make you feel pretty). So after trying on several different styles and sizes I buy two plane nude colored size E. That's right I said E, and there's not a lot of growing room either, and as far as I could tell E was the biggest they carried what happens if they get bigger!!!! How big can they get?! I'll have to start using parachutes to hold these babies in.

After that traumatic experience my friend and I decided to get some dinner. We eat and have a really nice time, after I call home to make sure that the babies all right. Then after dinner we stop at a couple of other places and head home. We walk in the house and my friend says to me "where are your bras?" Crap, I left them at the restaurant!! Now if you've been following my blogs you'll remember how I forgot the coupon, locked the keys in the house and who knows how many other my-brain-is-shot type things. I call up the restaurant and the guy I'm talking to is asking me all kinds of things, "what kind of package? What store was it from again?" I didn't feel like telling him that it was giant bras of the kind that would be too big for Pamela Anderson. So back into the wintry night we go, to the restaurant where everyone keeps asking me when I'm due because I'm there to pick up a bag from the maternity store, I finally start making up a date, since I get sick of telling perfect strangers that I'm not actually pregnant anymore just my boobs are out of control.

I asked another mom if they would shrink back down to their original size once I was done breast feeding. She said they would but probably not back to their original shape. I was pretty sad about that at first, since my breasts were the one thing on my body that I was happy with pre-baby, but now I'll just be happy to fit into a normal sized shirt again.