Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Mommy



1-31-07
I'm watching Dahrma and Greg because it's on during the morning and I think it's funny. However, I wanted to blog while the baby is snoozing in his swing so I had to force myself to turn it off. I really have to be careful I have tv-somnia where I can't look away once it's on.

What I want to write today is something that's in my heart recently but it's something that is hard to verbalize let alone write so I hope that it comes out correctly. I love my mom and dad so much, I always have and have always felt so blessed that they're my parents. Since I've had a baby and they've moved things have gotten so complicated. My mom and I have always gotten along well, and I've never had much reason to not do what she says which was good when I was under their care but is weird now that I'm an adult and have lots, well at least some, obligations. The baby and I are going out there in march and I'm really excited (except I am a little nervous about flying alone with the baby but I think it will be fine) and mom is buying the tickets so when she went to get them on line she was looking at me spending close to two weeks out there which would be great if I didn't have the baby or he wasn't a baby and wasn't changing so fast and I didn't have obligations with the Church.

Don't get me wrong I would love to spend two weeks in Maryland, or a month if my husband could be there too, but he can't he's saving all of his vacation for Disney World (which is just so exciting). When I told him the dates he wasn't like "no you can't go" he's not that way at all but he did say it was a long time to be away from the baby. "He's growing so fast" is what he did say "and I don't want to miss anything." That is so sweet and true. So I asked mom if there were a way to shorten the trip, which I think hurt her feelings and that's the last thing I want to do, obviously, (well maybe not the last thing that would probably be getting a tooth pulled). She's thinking she hardly gets to see her grandson and two weeks is nothing compared to living with him. It's this balance that I have a hard time finding; my life here and three people I love so much there. Having to say no to my mom and not feel like a disobedient child but a twenty five year old who loves them so much but loves her husband too.

Sometimes I wish my husband was controlling and would say, this is what you can and can't do. That way if anyone had hurt feelings it wouldn't be my fault. Of course he isn't he even said "do what you think you have to do." which while sweet and supportive isn't at all helpful since I feel like I need to do completely conflicting things. I know that I don't want a controlling husband and I need to step up and be mature but it's so hard because I love all of them so much.

What I really wish is that they hadn't moved. I know it's selfish, but instead of seeing them every few months I could see them every few days. Brian and I have this homework from our home group to do this week and it requires us going out for an hour a lone and answering some questions. They're suppose to live here so that they can watch Hunter, we've had lot's of other people offer to stay with him anytime but it's so awkward actually asking. I want to be able to go jogging with my Daddy and train together for a road race this summer. I have these great recipes I would love to try but they're not here to come over for dinner. I don't think God originally intended for families to live so far apart. We're suppose to learn from each other and support each other. Back in the days before planes and a "mobile society" you always lived close to the ones you loved and then your mom and aunts and Grandmas were there to help you learn how to mother and cook and all that stuff. It would completely solve this entire traveling with a baby and being away-from-your-husband-for-how-long problem.

I know it's selfish and I think that deep down what I really want is for them to be happy, for them to flourish where they are. I just wish it were here.

2 comments:

MaddiesMom said...

I totally agree-it is so hard to balance. I have a hard time and my parents live 30 minutes away...I can't imagine how hard it must be when they are so far!

Sometimes my parents will invite us over for Sunday lunch and I have a hard time saying no, especially if they haven't seen Maddie in a while. But, Mike sometimes wants to spend time with just the 3 of us. He works such long days and the weekends are our only really quality time. I sure haven't figured it out yet. It will get harder still when we move, which I'm sure we will someday. But, I just keep telling myself that Mike and Maddie are first and everyone else falls further down the list, even though it's hard for them to understand that.

Pallas-Athena said...

Hey,
its your Mom not Athena. I love you so much and I never want you to feel torn between us and Brian. He should always be your first priority. Now let me say it was not 2 weeks it was 9 days. And yes I would love to have you here for longer but I am thrilled to have you here for as long as possible. I can't wait. Love, Mom