Saturday, January 13, 2007

Am I a Bad Mother?

Well I'm sitting here wondering am I a bad mother? I've been sick since thanksgiving and when I go to pump for the babie's night bottle I'm lucky if I get three ounces. On top of that the babie's going through a growth spurt and eating a lot more often so there is less and less time for my boobs to fill back up, which leaves him not completely full and pretty upset. What all of this means is that instead of my wonderful husband getting up with the baby in the night I have to get up to feed him instead which leaves me extremely tired making it even harder to get over the colds I have and easier to catch the next one that walks through my door. So I broke down and bought some formula.

Now believe me I am not giving up on the breast feeding I've read enough literature to know how good it is for him, and I've tried to be dedicated to the "no formula ever" school of thought but I feel like I'm in some kind of wierd catch twenty two. I should also be honest and let you all know that my being sick isn't the only reason for my betrayel; I came to the point where I realized something had to give.

I was in the shower, (one of the three I've taken this week) and I was wondering why I've been so sick, and why when I'm not sick have I been so blue? I sort of came to the realization that my life is out of balance. I've already talked about feeling trapped and left out of so many fun things because I have to rush home to feed my baby, but there are other things as well. I can count the number of times my husband and I have made love since Hunter's birth on one hand, and it's not from lack of wanting too it's just we're either exhausted, have company, or are sick, not to mention my deep seated fear of becomming pregnant again. Unless my parents are visiting I don't have a lot of outside contact, I mean I'm really lacking in girl friends and the lunches and chit chats that entails. I haven't done a devotion in months and my trumpet has so much dust on it, I can right messages to my husband.

I guess what I'm getting at is something had to give. I love my son, and my husband is so amazing at helping out but he gets to leave every day and go to work, I get to stay at home and sometimes I get to stay at home for days. The formula makes it so I can give up pumping everyday, which takes up a lot of time, and now if someone asks us to go to lunch with them after Church I can go without worrying about exposing my self in public. Maybe my husband and I can actually go on a date.

I don't care if some people think that this makes me less then a perfect mother, I failed at that already any way. It took me three months to figure it out but I think it's more important for my son to have a mother that is emotionally as well as physically healthy. While I want to do everything in my power to give him the very best, I also want to make it to his first birthday in one piece. And if that means the occasional bottle of formula well then I guess it won't kill him.

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